god forbade...must reading

Coolidge Effect

     Research has found for women the longer the relationship sexual desire declines, for men tenderness generally declines. Usually the more frustrated partner quite logically assumes he would be perfectly happy if only he could have as much sex as their heart’s content.

    Mates are actually up against a rather nasty subconscious genetic program, which often pushes them out of sync, sexually and even toward novel partners.

    Consider a test of monkeys given hormone injections to preserve the mood. Monkey heaven, no? The males got it less frequently and with less enthusiasm.

    The question is what would happen if your mate were always in the mood? Chances are good that you soon wouldn't be...at least with them. The sad truth is that if your spouse isn't having orgasmic sex with you as often as you'd like, they could be preserving your union by preventing you from satiating yourself sexually too frequently. This is not an ideal situation, however, because without frequent affectionate contact, the emotional bonds between couples weakens. Unfortunately, many couples drift into engaging in conscious affection only when pursuing said orgasm.

   The Coolidge Effect is the tendency to tire of the old man or woman with whom you have sexually got your fill, while mechanically perking up for a new one.

   Female mammals were known to flirt a lot more with unfamiliar partners than with those with which they've already copulated. In keeping with this phenomenon, when couples divorce because their sex lives have gone out of sync, the formerly uninterested spouse is often startled by a raging libido when a new lover enters the picture.

    Why would biology cause a regular partner to look more and more like brussels sprouts and a new one to look like rich chocolate mousse? Your genes prefer to sail into the future on as many different boats as they can clamber aboard. Monogamy is as risky as putting all your eggs in one basket.

   No mammals are monogamous, sexually exclusive, and only a small percentage even bother pair bonding. These pair-bonding outliers are known to be socially monogamous. They readily form long-term attachments and often raise their offspring together, even if some of them still experience urges to fool around thanks to the Coolidge Effect.

    The Coolidge Effect becomes more evident after the honeymoon wears off. As expected, new lovers inevitably believe they are immune as do people who believe they are not getting enough good loving. Sure enough, research shows that spouses tend to find each other more irritating the longer they are married.

   Its important to remember the more subtle pleasures can register as surprisingly enjoyable and partners tend to retain their sparkle. So, if the Coolidge Effect creeps into your union, don't panic. You may have options you hadn't considered.

Marnia Robinson

in Cupid's Poisoned Arrow

Psychology Today

see Affairs and Akratic action

god forbade...must reading

American Dream XII

    There's no fixed definition for the American Dream. Since the phrase became commonplace in the 1930s, the "American Dream" has come to connote homeownership and the materialistic possessions that typically reflect prosperity. But there are plenty of ways to be successful without owning a home or impressive things. So make prosperity, not homeownership, the focus of your dream, and define it in a way that's both satisfying and attainable.

   The housing bust and recent recession also made clear that millions of American were living on borrowed money that supported a lifestyle they couldn't really afford. So spend money only on what you really need, while saving as much as possible. Anybody who has lived with troublesome debts knows that peace of mind is worth a lot more than nearly any amount of stuff.

      The two biggest causes of financial stress are a sudden job loss and a medical emergency not covered by insurance. Anticipating what can go wrong can help prevent sudden catastrophic events that are often hard to recover from. Excessive optimism, by contrast, might keep your spirits up temporarily, but it can backfire if you foolishly assume that everything will work out, without any special effort.

    Americans should prepare for a less-generous government. Key programs like Medicare and Social Security will most likely be protected. One way or another, self-sufficiency will be far more important in the future.

    With many schools cutting back, parents need to get more involved in their kids' education by monitoring homework, researching scholarships and enrichment programs, exploiting online resources, and spotting problems early instead of relying on an overworked, or nonexistent guidance counselor.

    Make sure you don't end up saddled with an overwhelming amount of student-loan debt. Anyone interested in highly competitive or low-paying fields like the arts, teaching, or social work should limit loans to what they'll be able to pay back on a meager salary.

    This is a trite observation by now, but getting ahead is no longer a matter of getting a degree, landing a job, and then closing the books. The most successful people tend to be lifelong learners, which is more important than ever because fast-changing technology is a dominant factor in modern business. If you keep learning and effectively apply your knowledge, eventually your skill set may evolve into leadership, one of the most valuable skills of all.

    The pressure to spend is enormous, but there's virtually no downside to saving as much money as possible. In business, companies with ready capital are the ones most able to survive ugly surprises and jump on unexpected opportunities. A bigger nest egg will allow you to take prudent risks when it's smart to.

   Medical emergencies are one of the leading causes of personal bankruptcy.

It's hard to get ahead if you're routinely sick and out of work, or laid up with a disability. Success these days requires energy and longevity, which are easier to muster the healthier you are.

    Some economists think that many families overspend on housing because of the need to live in a good school district where homes cost considerably more. That may have contributed to the housing boom and bust that has now left nearly 25 percent of all mortgage holders owing more than their properties are worth. And the cost of childcare can sometimes negate much of the income a second working parent pulls in. Better long-term planning might ease the burden.

     Moving can be daunting, especially if you're underwater on a mortgage and it would cost money to sell. But staying put can be worse, especially if it committs you to a stagnant economy with little upside.

   The economic ecosystems of the future will be places that combine a university, an educated populace, a dynamic business community and the fastest broadband connections on earth. Some of those places will be overseas. If you're floundering but the idea of moving seems intimidating, keep in mind that America was built by pioneers willing to go wherever necessary to find their fortune. Many people are still willing.

     Businesses go in and out of favor faster than ever these days. Develop a backup plan in case your company becomes the next Blockbuster, Border's, or Kodak. Waiting until everybody else is jumping ship probably means you've, most likely, missed the boat.

    Buying a home may once again be a sensible way to build wealth, since prices have fallen dramatically and interest rates are at record lows. Buy for the long term, not for a quick profit. Buy less than you can afford and make sure you still have a rainy-day fund. Don't count on home equity to fund much of anything in the future.

    Many of the most successful people today work punishing hours, spend too much time away from home, and hustle all the time, because that's what opportunity demands. Yet, millions around the world envy them.

Good advise, heed it.

Rick Newman

in How to Reclaim the American Dream

USNews

god forbade...must reading

Political Climate

    To characterize the American political process, the rise of disrespect, even hatred, displayed by those who disagree on matters of religion or politics is perhaps the most ominous development. Some characterize this as a decline in civility, but it is more than that. The attribution of ill will or a lack of patriotism to one's opponents bespeaks a loss of faith in our ability to listen to, learn from, and compromise with each other. Ignorance, anger, and fear are co-existing traits that have come to distort the public discourse leading to all manner of conspiracy theories and delusional beliefs.

    Nature itself is intolerant of stupidity. If you are disoriented in the wilderness or lost at sea, survival depends on an ability to navigate and find food. We may be insulated from such harsh reality by the conveniences of modern life and the proximity of the nearby supermarket. But we are still in danger of losing our way individually and as a society if we lose the capacity to listen to each other and act in a way that benefits all.

     An honest politician has become an oxymoron. The worst form of dishonesty, hypocrisy, is at once an object of our contempt and accepted as an occupational hazard among those who would deceive us for power or profit. The widespread cynicism that this reality produces undermines the trust essential to any political system that depends on the consent of the governed.

    Courage begins with understanding. If we learned to be more honest with ourselves about our strengths and our failings, perhaps we would be in a position to demand more from those we choose to lead us. We are all fallible and none of us is selfless. No one has all the answers and we all deserve tolerance for our shortcomings. But we need to be as truthful with ourselves as we can be so that we can demand honesty and forbearance from those we select to make decisions about the common good.

Gordon S. Livingston

in Lifelines

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Chain Stores

    It is hard to run a small business. There are lots of decisions you have to make from scratch. One bad year or a downturn in the local economy can wipe out years of hard work, not to mention a lifetime of savings. Big companies have an advantage, bad sales at one location can be absorbed as long as sales remain strong in other locations.

   But there is an element of psychology in the success of chain stores as well.

     A paper started with an interesting hypothesis. Americans prize individuality, but they also prize mobility. We cherish the opportunity to move to a new city or a new state to advance our careers or just to get a change of scenery.

    The researchers suggested that when people move frequently, they may end up attaching themselves to chain stores. The anxiety of moving may lead people to prefer familiar stores over the unique businesses they would have encountered.

    Researchers asked a broad question using census and corporate data. If people tend to prefer chain stores more strongly when they move around a lot, then states in which people move frequently should have more chain stores than states where people move less often.

   They found that the amount of mobility really did predict the number of outlets of chains in a given state.

    You can't experimentally assign people to move a lot or to stay in one place.

Researchers induced a feeling of mobility to look at its influence on preference for familiar things.

     Participants were exposed to a number of unfamiliar faces five times. Research on mere exposure has found that people quickly come to prefer things they have been exposed to compared to those that are unfamiliar. After seeing these faces, participants rated how much they liked a series of faces. Some were ones they had seen before, while others were new faces they had not seen before.

    The independent lifestyle that we often lead in the United States creates great freedom. But that freedom comes at the cost of our connection to community. When we move from place to place, we disrupt our connections to family and friends. We also force ourselves to adapt to a new house and a new environment.

    In those times, we tend to attach ourselves to things that are familiar as an anchor. Many things can substitute an anchor. One of them is the places we shop. Shopping at a familiar chain store after moving provides a sense of balance to counteract the chaotic feelings we might have as we try to re-root ourselves in a new home.

Art Markman, Ph.D.

in Ulterior Motives

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Marry the Girl Next Door

     Rules of conduct run most everything.

     If you want to feel at home, marry a bird of your own feather. The girl-next-door image is frequently used to describe a familiar goodness but an unexciting marriage prospect. But, the excitement factor is the least likely predictor for happiness and longevity in a relationship. In fact, marrying the girl or boy next door is a reliable indicator for the continuity of spiritual homes.

     If you marry outside your tribe, the both of you will have to negotiate every step along the path of your marriage. You'll spend more time trying to reconcile your differences than attending to matters at hand. Even if you agree about a particular subject one day, the next day you may face some variation of the issue that requires negotiation. Nothing will come easily or spontaneously. There is no implicit understanding or silent recognition of sameness. If anything, implicit and explicit misunderstandings will permeate the relationship. This is not the kind of effort that fosters a stable union in marriage, nor does it foster betterment through collaboration. It is establishing the starting line, over and again.

    In out-of-tribe marriages, long arduous negotiations and fights deplete everyone. One partner eventually gives in from sheer fatigue and lets the other take over. The compromised partner usually feels demoralized, losing the important part of theirself that was defined by the tribe. The extent of the compromise determines the damage to the person's soul.

    If you drive deeper into your tribal community through marriage, you'll be freed from time-consuming negotiations. You'll know where you stand in every aspect of your life and effortlessly move from one arena to another.

   Having common mores, ethics, rituals, and a sense of oneness will simplify your life and make it joyful.

 Excitement must be framed in dullness.

T. Byram Karasu, M.D.

in The Mystery of Happiness

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Model Railroad Syndrome

     Model railroader syndrome is the ability to see the completed project in your mind so clearly that you don't actually have to build it. We're talking about someone who talks a good game, gets something started, but never really finishes. Not because they're lazy, but having to do with the fact they see it all so clearly in their mind.



    Research suggests the more clearly you visualize success, the less motivated you are to actually try to achieve it.



     Past research has found that people who spontaneously dream about a rosy future tend to have lower achievement. It flies in the face of a lot of popular psychology ideas about 'visualizing success'. And depressing for those of us who are chronic daydreamers and hope that our fantasies will help us to build a positive future.



   Explanations abound for it. Are optimists just less successful? Does past failure make you dwell on positive fantasies? Are daydreamers less likely to do the hard work necessary to reach their goals or are they sloppier about carrying the work out? Does seeing good things clearly in your mind satisfy your desire for them so you're less motivated, model railroader syndrome? We know that imagining eating makes you less hungry. Maybe imagining success makes you less hungry for it.






    Researchers asked people to generate positive, negative and neutral fantasies about the future. People who had imagined positive futures had less energy than those who imagined that their future was in danger. They also had less energy than those who imagined negative or neutral futures.



   In other words, the more pressing the need, the more important something was, the more positive fantasies sapped people's energy and undermined their motivation.



   These results tell us that something about fantasizing itself contributes to the decline in motivation. Not so much about the people who are fantasizing.



    We know that fear can be debilitating. But perhaps a little worry can stave off complacency and get you going enough to move you from fantasy to reality.






Nancy Darling, Ph.D.
in Thinking About Kids
Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

State of Committment

    Americans value marriage more than people do in any other culture, and it holds a central place in our dreams. Over 90 percent of young adults aspire to marriage—although fewer are actually choosing it, many opting instead for cohabitation. But no matter how you count it, Americans have the highest rate of romantic breakup in the world, says Andrew J. Cherlin, professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins.

    "By age 35, 10 percent of American women have lived with three or more husbands or domestic partners,"

       Cherlin reports,

    "Children of married parents in America face a higher risk of seeing them break up than children born of unmarried parents in Sweden."

    With general affluence comes many choices, including constant choices about our personal and family life. Even marriage itself is now a choice.

    The heightened focus on options creates a heightened sensitivity to problems that arise in intimate relationships. And negative emotions get priority processing in our brains.

       Cherlins says,

     "We're carrying over into our personal lives the fast pace of decisions and actions we have everywhere else, and that may not be for the best."

    Most of the discontent we now encounter in close relationships is culturally inflicted, although we rarely see it that way. Culture, the pressure to constantly monitor our happiness, the speed of everyday life always climbs into bed with us. The accumulation of forces has made the cultural climate hostile to long-term relationships.

    Attuned to disappointment and confused about its source, we wind up discarding perfectly good relationships.

   Our mind-set has further shifted over the past few decades, experts suggest.

We revert to a stingier self that has been programmed into us by the consumer culture. This accelerating consumer mind-set is a major portal through which destructive forces gain entry and undermine conjoint life.

    If there's one thing that most explicitly detracts from the enjoyment of relationships today, it's an abundance of choice. Psychologist Barry Schwartz calls it an excess of choice, the tyranny of abundance. We see it as a measure of our autonomy and we firmly believe that freedom of choice will lead to fulfillment. Our antennae are always up for better opportunities.

    Just as only the best pair of jeans will do, so will only the best partner. This is not the road to successful long-term relationships. It does not stop with marriage. It undermines commitment by encouraging people to keep their options open.

    If perfection is what you expect, you will always be disappointed, says Schwartz. We become picky and unhappy. The cruel joke our psychology plays on us, of course, is that we are terrible at knowing what will satisfy us or at knowing how any experience will make us feel.

     The heightened sensitivity to relationship problems that follows from constantly appraising our happiness encourages couples to turn disappointment into tragedy.

    Through the alchemy of desire, wants become needs, and unfulfilled needs become personal tragedies.

    We take the everyday disappointments of relationships and treat them as intolerable, see them as demeaning, the equivalent of alcoholism, say, or abuse.

    "People work their way into 'I'm a tragic figure' around the ordinary problems of marriage."

     But in the churn of daily life, we tend to give short shrift to creating positive experiences. Over time, we typically become more oriented to dampening threats and insecurities, to resolving conflict, to eliminating jealousy, to banishing problems. But the brain is wired with both a positive and negative motivational system, and the demand for satisfaction and desire keep the brain's positive system well-stoked.

    Commitment is a key predictor of relationship durability. It creates the perception, the illusion, that even the most attractive alternative partners are unappealing. Attention to them gets turned off, one of the many cognitive gymnastics we engage in to ward off doubts.

     The question is not how you want your partner to change but what kind of partner and person you want to be. In the best relationships, not only are you thinking about who you want to be, but your partner is willing to help you get there. Psychologist Caryl E. Rusbult calls it the Michelangelo effect. Just as Michelangelo felt the figures he created were already in the stones, slumbering within the actual self is an ideal form, explains Eli Finkel. Your partner becomes an ally in sculpting your ideal self, in bringing out the person you dream of becoming, leading you to a deep form of personal growth as well as long-term satisfaction with life and with the relationship.

    The Michelangelo phenomenon gives the lie to the soul mate search. You can't find the perfect person, there is no such thing. And even if you think you could, the person he or she is today is, hopefully, not quite the person he or she wants to be 10 years down the road. You and your partner help each other become a more perfect person according to your own inner ideals.

Hara Estroff Marano

Psychology Today