God forbade...must reading!

Affairs






   You probably didn’t go out looking for an affair, but the option of an affair is always possible. Some other wandering soul is just waiting to fill the void. You are vulnerable when things are off-track at home. When you feel needy you want to know that someone thinks you’re special. When you suppress feelings of discomfort you disable your ‘internal warning system’ that could tell you that you’re heading for trouble.



    Affairs can begin without your noticing. You may confide in a friend of the opposite sex, or let a friend pamper you, without being honest with yourself about the sexual overtones. You justify the friendship to yourself while continuing to suppress your uncomfortable feelings. You stop mentioning your friend to your spouse. The relationship begins to take on a life of its own. It feels good and it’s compelling. It’s been a long time since you’ve talked to anyone so easily. Next thing you know, you’re involved sexually.



   Most serious affairs begin as good friendships. You already have rapport. When you add loneliness and a case of boundary drift, you’ve got an affair. Early in a serious affair, the romance and excitement run high for both of you. Forgotten dreams spring to life, the promise of feeling alive is in the air and the fantasy of being whole and complete with your married lover seems within reach. It’s your secret- just the two of you- and its delicious!



   There are marriages that succeed, individuals that succeed and affairs that succeed. They are those that are vital, dwell on the present, thrive on the joys and challenges and address the losses and mistakes that happen. They delight in intimacy, keep problems in perspective to resolve differences, to invest in themselves and others.







  An affair is a collision for those close by. To some degree it’s unexpected. The more so, and the closer the family and friends, the greater the threat. At the same time it is titillating, like a good soap opera or a romance novel but friends and family have a front row seat.





  Or maybe you avoid your discomfort at home by fantasizing about your ideal partner. Along comes a person who fits your fantasy and whose visions of being loved and cherished mesh with your own. You attach your dreams to this person and soon the two of you begin living a secret, secluded second life.



   The purpose of the affair is to avoid taking responsibility for ending the marriage. Exiters are people who can’t say no without giving reasons and justifications, who are so afraid of offending or provoking conflict that they procrastinate, eventually acting out what they’re afraid to say in words, and thereby creating even greater conflict. They have difficulties with endings of all sorts.





The wife finds charges on the VISA bill,

   "How could you? You’ve been lying to me all this time. You’re not the person I thought you were. You’re a cheat. You’re just like all the other men who cheat on their wives. And to think I trusted you! “Just what did you have in your mind? Wasn’t I good enough? What makes her so special? Is she better in bed? How could you do this to me? "





   Boundary drift happens when you get into the habit of letting yourself or your partner slide across a boundary without comment, i.e. coming home an hour later than you said you would, so is spending more than the agreed amount for a new winter coat. Hiding the amount is another.

   Boundary drift is a combination of the violation and the absence of attempts by either spouse to address it. You drift along not taking responsibility for yourself and not holding your partner accountable. The dead space between the two of you when you don’t act responsibly or talk honestly is cause for boundary drift.





    Split selves are rational and responsible – overly so. Early in life they learned their job was to attend to the needs of others and not to their own needs and feelings. They approached life using only their rational self- a self not informed by the emotional self. Much of spousal work is devoted to getting acquainted with the emotional self.





   Sometimes children will not resolve their parent’s affair until they are grown. The children reported difficulty with secrets, their ability to trust, unresolved anger and pain, disregard for their own feelings, family schisms, relationship problems and confused boundaries.









Affairs- Emily Brown