God forbade...must reading!

Conflict and Resolution



What is worse than saying, your house is on fire than to say, grab a bucket?



  Robin Sharma talks about attempts to avoid conflict in the first place. He says conflict never repairs itself, it never just goes away on its own. Rather than viewing conflict as a negative thing to stay away from, Sharma sees it as a way to unearth friction, to clear the air and try to get closer. Because it means more than normal, everyday interactions implies a more intense and deeper levels to reconnect.



  The alternative to engaging is to be totally disengaged, there in person, but not in spirit. Conflict, if handled properly, can lead to better relationships. Conflict often comes from misunderstanding, miscommunication. It's important the focus of resolving conflict be on the issues to form better relationship rather than assigning blame. If resolved correctly, can lead to better understanding and appreciation of other perspectives, resulting in stronger relationships. Ability to resolve conflict can lead to increased goodwill, understanding and strengthened relationships.





There are three characteristics that affect a  'tipping'  point to, just this side of extinction.



Qualities of the messenger, the message and the context.



   An overstressed victim perceives almost any trangression a threat. Reducing your stress makes forgiving more likely. If the offender shows no sensitivity toward the victim, forgiveness is less likely. The lack of caring threatens the victim's competence, relatedness, self-determination, autonomy.



  The victim's spiritual life matters. Seen more threatening than challenging if the victim interprets trangsgression and concludes, "God hates me" or "God is trying to punish me". The sacred ups the threat, especially, if people feel distant from God, anyway. Challenge appraisal prevails when God is incorporated to forgive, "God is loving and merciful...and wants the same for me".



  Of the message, if the number of transgressions or their severity is high, additional transgression is more threatening than they would be, alone. Betrayals, active dissociation and not being appreciated are, particularly, harmful.



  Contextually, any transgression is viewed threatening if the relationship is at a vulnerable time. Often indicated by a low ratio of positive to negative interactions. The relationship doesn't automatically become troubled, but it is. Each negative interaction likely to pose a challenge until a symbolic or severe interaction tips the relationship troubled. transgressions suddenly shift from challenge to threat.



  An 'injustice' gap forms in a relationship of major transgression. The low ratio of positive to negative interactions, a poor relationship with God, a hostile offender or simple high stress converts transgression into a wide injustice gap. When the gap is wide, threat is likely. With each new transgression a  'sociometer'  quickly fires up negative emotion. Transgressions, not only, multiply, but create more stress, less productive coping.



The Other Kind of Smart, Harvey Deutschendorf

Forgiveness and Reconciliation, Everett L. Worthington, Jr.