God forbade...must reading!

Forgiveness leftovers




  Some people believe finding justice will automatically lead to reconciliation. Not always so. There'd be no need for civil lawsuits. Justice is important, in its own right, as is doing what's right.



  Implicit reconciliation often happens in non-troubled relationships, working together toward a mutual goal, battling a common enemy, or, simply, getting to know each other better.



  Reconciliation is not best when very angry, stressed, frustrated or hurt, with severely wounded pride or in power differentials.



   Negotiating tries to arrive on common ground, give and take. Resolving differences does not imply a coming to terms. Conflict management is to keep conflict spiraling out of control. Talking about transgressions assumes wrongs have been done. Each must self monitor to assess likelihood of acting negatively in a biased, unfair way. It's difficult when glibly ticking off logical reason.



  For troubled couples the bigger problem is an emotional bond has been disrupted, changing behavior to thwarted communication. Intrapsychic conflict causes defensiveness. The restoration of an emotional bond happens out of a communication of love.



  A reproach is a requested accountability for certain action. The reproach can be clumsy. It can blame or imply defective personality attributes. It can be graceful drawing non defensive discussion or allude to stable, global negative personality traits.



Justifications absolve themselves. Perpetrators might not have a clue as to what it's costing them.



  The problem with excuses is not they provide mitigating circumstances, but can be clumsy, poorly timed or defensive. The tone can imply weaseling out of responsibility.



Some can apologize for things that are wrong, but not really admit remarks were incorrect.



"Yeah, but that doesn't take care of everything. A lot of time is needed to put things right."



   The victim, on the one hand, is absolutely correct. On the other hand, the response is deadly to the relationship.





A good confession does not automatically restore trust.






Detoxification, assessing the relationship.



- additional past wounds are considered, a need for forgiveness

- difficulty expressing emotion, negativity comes across

- expression of value in the conflict, a clear passage to information

- distance between, desiring closeness or space

- poison in negative assumptions, beliefs, attributions, expectancies

- committment

- outside factors, job presures, alcoholism, drugs



  Contempt needs to be purged. Bitterness taken out of the tone. Quit throwing up the past. Squelch defensiveness over a reproached mistake, resist defensive attack. Short circuit squabbles.



   Moving away from defensiveness and criticism requiers not letting emergent goals take foothold. About shortcomings, cultivate an attitude of lattitude. Attitude of gratitude rewards due credit, instead of making up for inconsistencies.



Avoid adopting troublesome, unrealistic positive expectation.



      "You will never hurt me again."

A house of cards. Punctures, stings and blemishes happen among the best.



Beware of negatively valenced memories.



   Building devotion back into a damaged relationship means continually willing to value the partner and being vigilant to avoid devaluing them. Not just in what's done, but how the emotional bond is affected. Loving partners talk of how they value and not value each other.



   Emergent goals focus attention away from the self, sacrificial acts and winning conflicts, inflicting more harm than the other.



   Reframing, constructing a new narrative about the transgression, trangressor and forgiver. Some question whether situations are an appropriate source of hurt because no moral wrong can be done by a situation. The finding, casuality is attributed to situation. It's perception thought to matter. What situational factors might lead an offender to hurt participant? Situations highlight certain motives, put other motives in relative darkness. A blatant wrong can bring the issue into the open, held accountable and seek to build responsibilty into them. The victim senses failure in the other's self control and, in a sense, tries to help them regain self control. Warmth based virtues are relegated to the background and do not emerge naturally. Only a conscious effort of the victim, or ensuing events can bring about empathy, symapthy or compassion for the wrong doer.





   Shame and guilt as self conscious emotions. Shame involves negative self feelings even though no actual rule violation or offense is comitted. The shamed feels responsible, accountable for wrong, morally negligent, reprehensible, guilty, contrite and disgusted. Unlike guilty, no crime comitted. Shame is an overgeneralization to their wrongdoing, blames self. Habitually embarrassed and ashamed of failures to live up to moral code are the shame prone.



   If people could be made to commit to a behavior without a justification found, an internal justification will develop consistent with behavior.



   You could have the capacity to forgive, develop the skills needed to grant and experience emotional forgiveness, be willing to forgive and, yet, not develop the habit of forgiveness.



Conciliatory motives are often squelched when the justice motive is aroused.



   Love is willing to value family, treating them with respect deserved of human dignity, regardless how badly they mess up or disappoint you.



   Often in trials much is at stake. Lives are lost, memories disrespected, fortunes change hands and public humiliations ensue. People live with the consequences of legal action and might hold grudges, communicate feelings among family and friends and, even more publicly.



   Most victims and offenders are more satisfied with restorative justice than with criminal justice punishment.



   Are civil lawsuits necessary? People are often driven by greed or pride and might not recognize their motivation. Instead, they focus on reasons they believe their story is correct. They focus on nobler motives, ignoring baser motives. They believe they need public vindication, the civil lawsuit gets it done. People hardly get a return on investment in civil lawsuits.



   Individually a prevalent problem is the pursuit of unbridled self interest. Given any opportunity people will place themselves ahead of others. Some pursue power at all costs, personal power over their partner, co worker or someone they know.



   In pairs of people and in society, in general, we become immersed in conflict. The conflict creates a strong situation, generating anger and fear. Comes a sense of grasping, feeling your power and desires slipping away. Trying to hold onto power come power struggles, fighting more about who has the say, than about the issue. Issues are excuses for showing who wears the pants.



   For emotional forgiveness, people do not have to empathize with the offender. Empathy does not make forgiveness likely. Research shows apology affects forgiveness in only that it helps empathize with the offender. In fact, an apology is not even necessary, accomplished by vividly imagining offender apologizing.



Exercise:



  People are invited to make up a fantasy that never happened. Perhaps, recalling a hurt and given an apology, with deep regret and contrition. Research finds such a vivid imagination can lead to likely forgive. Unable to fantacize, unlikely to forgive without some form of justice actually involved or without a large amount of work to experience empathy, sympathy, compassion or love.







Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Everett L. Worthington, Jr.