Self perception
While many profess not to care what others think, we are, in the end, creatures who want and need to fit into some social universe. Humans are psychologically suited to work and play with others. Social anxiety is really just an innate response to the threat of exclusion, feeling that we might not be accepted by a group can leave us agitated and depressed.
The ability to intuit how others see us enables us to connect with others and reap deep satisfaction from those ties. We can never be a fly on the wall to our own personality dissections, watching others pick us apart after a first impression. Hence we are left to rely on the accuracy of what psychologists call our "metaperceptions"—the ideas we have about others' ideas about us.
Psychology professor Mark Leary says your ideas about what others think of you hinge on your self-concept—your own beliefs about who you are. You filter cues you get from others through your self concept.
But it's likely you don't know any one person's assessment. Psychology professor Bella DePaulo says,
"We have a fairly stable view of ourselves, we expect other people to observe the same in us, immediately."
And they do. On average there is consensus about how you come off. But you can't apply that knowledge to any one individual, for many reasons.
For starters, each person has an idiosyncratic way of sizing up others. Like metaperceptions themselves, they are governed by our own self-concept. A person you meet will assess you through her unique lens, which lends consistency to her views about others. Some people, for example, are likers who perceive nearly everyone as good-natured and smart.
Furthermore, if a particular person doesn't care for you, it won't always be apparent. DePaulo says,
"People are generally not direct in everyday interactions."
Psychologist Paul Ekman has shown most people can't tell when others are faking expressions. Who knows how many interactions you've walked away from thinking you were a hit while your acquaintance was actually faking agreeability?
And there's just a whole lot going on when you meet someone. You're talking, listening and planning what you're going to say next, adjusting your nonverbal behavior at the same time unconsciously responding to the other's. DePaulo calls it cognitive busyness.
Because of all we have to contend with, she says, we are unable to effectively interpret someone else's reactions.
"We take things at face value and don't really have the means to infer others' judgments."
Psychology Today
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