Love and Negotiation
We have developed a few tricks to get our partners to do what we want, but, many do not stand the light of day.
This list of techniques for behavioral change.
Coercion in the form of criticism, demands, intimidation and devaluing behavior. In more covert variation, withholding affection, cooperation and good will. The clear message is that you will lose something or suffer in some way if you don't do what I want.
The objective of coercive behavior is submission. They assume superior rights, privileges, intelligence, talents, sensitivity, or entitlements, that automatically prompt negative responses in their partners, regardless of the facts of the behavior requests.
The unavoidable result of coercion is frequent power struggles, resentment, bitterness, and eventually contempt, although both parties are likely to think that they're just trying to get their needs met.
Manipulation requires a certain amount of deceit or, at best, hidden agendas, which undermine the honesty, openness, and trust necessary for the long term health of intimate relationships.
Remember the old song,
"All the while you were stealin' the love I thought I was givin'."
Those who feel manipulated in love also feel demeaned but not by the behavior requests themselves, which are often trivial. They feel betrayed by the desire of their loved ones to manipulate them.
Manipulation and coercion often go together when a relationship suffers from a power imbalance, where one party controls the couple's resources and most of its choices. Manipulation is inevitable when power is not shared equally.
Bartering happens in the best of relationships, but carries a high risk. When used repeatedly, bartering almost always leads to resentful score-keeping and the classic impasse,
"If you loved me you would just do this,"
countered by,
"If you loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do it."
Bartering fails in the long run because there are no balance sheets in love.
Persuasion can be accomplished through reasoning, seduction, coaxing, or pleading. While it may succeed occasionally in love relationships, attempts at persuasion too often rise from the same toxic assumptions as coercion, superior rights, privileges, intelligence, talents, sensitivity, or entitlements. With repetition it has similar negative effects,
"Here we go again, you're right and I'm wrong."
Negotiation succeeds or, at least, never completely fails because it has built-in respect for both partners. It puts more value on the relationship than other specific manipulative behaviors, so that neither can lament,
"Getting what they want is more important to them than I am!"
The goal of negotiation is cooperation. Humans hate to submit, but we like to cooperate, probably because cooperation is necessary for our survival. The spirit of cooperation, to which most intimate partners would subscribe, at least in the abstract, is willing.
When people feel valued, they tend to cooperate. When they don't feel valued, they resist what feels to them like submission. If you want cooperation, you must show value. But not tactlessly, that can smell of manipulation. Focus instead on feeling value for your partner. This will lower emotional intensity and shrink the subject under negotiation to manageable proportions. Regardless of your stance on any specific behavior, always remember that you are negotiating with someone you love, who is more important to you than whatever behavior request you want to make.
Steven Stosny, Ph.D.
Psychology Today
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