Other
The idea of an "other" added to a monogamous relationship seems understandably confusing and threatening to most partners. Giving your partner free reign to indulge and engage with other people outside your relationship causes more than a little yuck in most our minds and stomachs. But, what if an "other" could enhance the relationship? And no, I'm not talking about a threesome here.
Most of our lives are comprised of a number of different people, weaving themselves in and out of our life in complex ways. It makes sense that from time to time, we find ourselves really connected to someone. Perhaps physically, or psychologically, intellectually, spiritually, or in any number of ways that fire us up. And what is our first reaction? Often, those in a happily committed relationship react with fear- closing themselves off to this connection for the possible danger that it carries. And, of course, this kind of connection is dangerous. But it doesn't have to be.
Holding our partner accountable to completely and totally fulfill us, in this moment, all the moments past, and all those to come - is a hefty burden to place on a person. A burden that is at best unreasonable and at worst, harmful and unrealistic. So what is the answer? Instead of settling to be unsatisfied in various parts of our lives, perhaps we could find that partial fulfillment in an ‘other'.
Carefully and intentionally allowing themselves to experience their connection with an other. Labeling this engagement as strictly wrong would have precluded them from two beautiful and mutually fulfilling relationships. In addition, connecting in this way and sharing things that were most important to them, allowed them to be more the people they wanted to be in life. It imbued them with passion, excitement, and energy that they could bring to their relationship. In short, it made them better partners.
These connections with ‘others' do not come risk-free. These types of bonds are not easily enjoyed by partners who experience higher levels of insecurity or jealousy. In addition, those who have trouble maintaining agreed upon boundaries of a relationship may also have trouble connecting to an ‘other' while honoring the responsibilities to their partner.
This dynamic requires being vigilantly mindful of what you are thinking and doing and feeling. It requires being really honest with yourself - monitoring and restraining your feelings and actions to protect your relationship. Too easily, people fall into the trap of thinking,
"this is great, I want more of it, I want it to be more".
This dynamic requires continual recognition of its inherent limitations; that a connection with someone can be fulfilling and enriching without it progressing or culminating into a sexual relationship or an emotional affair.
Finally, there is the issue of how all of this is conveyed to your partner. A common reaction to these relationships is to hide it or pretend it isn't there, which can lead the relationship down an unintentional and dangerous course. Honesty is a vital component to the negotiation of this dynamic. But - sometimes too much honesty can have the opposite effect. Hearing about an incredible fulfilling enriching connection with an ‘other' can understandably make a person feel left out, jealous, and worried about the direction of the relationship. A delicate balance can be struck in being mindful about what your partner needs to hear and what would set off unnecessary alarm bells. Each relationship and partner is different, with some needing to know everything about the interactions while others merely need to know that nothing inappropriate is being done or felt.
The world is full of people who can enrich, challenge, and fulfill us. These people take the form of friends, family, and ‘others'. Having the courage to be open to these connections while maintaining committed and honest to our partner is worthy of the exploration. Undoubtedly, this type of situation is not for everyone. Whether that's true for you or not, its important to consider what and who we are closing ourselves off from and for what reason.
Kelley Quirk, M.A.
Degrees of Freedom
Psychology Today
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