New Kid in Town
The beginning of a new relationship is scary because you don't really know the person you're dating, so you can't be sure what you're going to get involved in. In other words, you're investing in a relationship based purely on faith, or, at least, you hope that this new person will be good for you.
Admit, what a risk it is to start falling in love! Can you imagine taking a thousand dollars and putting it into a stock that you don't know much about? If you only knew a few details about the company you were investing in, you'd probably decide not to invest, it would feel too risky.
Yet in relationships, the pull toward a new lover can be so strong it feels as if you really don't have a choice at all. If you like the person and want to get to know them better, you have no choice but to proceed. The stakes feel so high you can end up becoming attached pretty quickly, even though you don't know that they are trustworthy. The reality is that the process of attaching happens much faster than the process of getting to know someone on a more significant level. If only we could slow our hearts down so that we could protect ourselves better from potential hurts.
Though the urge may be strong to spend all your time with your new love interest and jump in the sack to seal the deal, alleviate your curiosity. We're supposed to be adults now, fully loaded with frontal lobes that allow us to plan and make good decisions. The real goal is to keep our head, slowing down in the sexual-emotional storm of new love to gather our thoughts and proceed with healthy caution.
If in your conscience you breathe the words the ‘one’ in the first months of the relationship, odds are that you're headed for trouble. Don't even think like this. You need to relax and keep your expectations as realistic as possible - knowing full well it’s hard to do.
Don't jump into bed too quickly. For those of you, 95%, who aren't waiting for marriage to consummate the relationship, don't get horizontal until you've had, at least, several dates. This way you'll figure out how emotionally compatible you are before you let sex and hormones take over.
Your friends and family should not meet the person you're dating until a solid month of dating, dating with no red flags of warning. If you've noticed some areas of concern, take an extra month to get to know your new love interest better so that you can figure out if he or she will truly make the grade.
Use what mental health professionals call self-talk or what everyone else calls mantras to keep your eye on the bigger picture when intimacy makes you anxious. Tell yourself little things to soothe yourself, like,
"Focus on whether you like him, not whether he likes you," or "If it's meant to be, she'll call; if not, I'll have more energy to look for someone else."
No, relationships aren't easy and the uncertainty of falling for someone is hard for everyone. But slowing down and taking the time to sufficiently interview the person you're interested in will be the best insurance policy you could invest in!
Psychology Today
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