Anti Self System
The nurturance of a parent enriches their children's self system, but, rejection, neglect, or hostility from a parent leads to the formation of an anti self system. The anti self system extends from a destructive identification with and incorporation of negative parental traits. When we internalize destructive attitudes during hurtful or traumatic experiences in our past, we strengthen our anti-self. As we grow up, our anti-self resides within us and encourages us to take actions that replicate our past but that are damaging to us in the present.
There are many traits we developed as children that served a purpose in our childhood but actually hinder us in adulthood. As kids, we may have armed ourselves against our parents' shortcomings by keeping to ourselves, rebelling against restraints, or commanding a self-prescribed perfectionism.
These characteristics served as defenses in our youth. They shielded us from fully experiencing the pain and even, terror of recognizing the faults of those responsible for our well-being.
This shutting off from scary experiences, as an adult, can mean becoming anti-social, avoiding goal-driven behaviors, or substance abuse.
Our defenses may influence us to engage in self-soothing rituals or to avoid perceived dangers. However, their cues are taken from past events that are no longer real threats to us. In fact, as we grow older, the defense itself often becomes the threat.
If we were hurt as kids in a certain way, throughout our lives we will tend to unconsciously seek out relationships in which we are hurt in the very same ways. This is not necessarily because the situations from our youth felt good, but because they feel familiar.
Our defenses are tricky, because they drive us toward familiarity in an effort to shield us from the pain of our past. They may seem like they will protect us, but in truth, they tend to protect the people who hurt us, who we depended on as children. But why are we so determined to protect those who hurt us?
When we are young, we rely on our caretakers. Seeing them as flawed or unstable presents a direct threat to our survival. The defenses we form may seemingly protect us from the negative traits of those who raised us, but they also serve to protect these influential figures.
Growing up, it was our parents' duty to protect us. Our survival depended on them. This dependence is part of what made our parent's actions so significant to our development and what gave them such strong influence over us.
Children are constantly adjusting themselves to please and protect their parents. These acts of sacrifice, large and small, create the core defenses that often hurt them as adults. In other words, we form a set of internalized parents that recreate emotions and interactions from early in our lives.
As adults, it is important to recognize the ways that we've negatively adapted to the damaging side of those who cared for us. Once we identify how we shield ourselves from our past, we can separate from the internalized parents in our heads and move forward as independent individuals, consciously adopting traits we respect and rejecting those that hurt us.
Psychology Today
see the shadow
see the shadow
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