Goodbye
Departures are loaded with emotion, disappointment in a relationship or job that didn't work out, wistfulness for what is being left behind, joy and anticipation at the prospect of a fresh start.
We remember only a small percentage of life's events, yet beginnings and endings are far easier to recall than muddled middles. Final impressions are enormously influential in shaping our life story because they are among the relatively few crystal memories we keep.
The story flows better when capped by closure, a memory that is no longer emotionally charged.
Memories are open when recollected with great feeling and closed when they don't conjure up much passion, however dramatic the original event may have been. Open memories are the ones we still struggle to understand, we think about them often, and see them as relevant to our current lives.
Closed memories, on the other hand, don't haunt us. They are truly past. Psychologist Denise Beike finds it's not how you end something, but rather how you remember it that ultimately counts.
Her research finds dwelling on open memories decreases self esteem while increasing self-awareness.
Closed memories, on the other hand, free people to pursue other goals, because they aren't bogged down in the past. Closing more of your memories is even good for physical health.
Each ending, however nerve-racking, presents a learning opportunity, says psychologist Steven Hayes.
"The challenge is to face what you are losing. We have a tendency to rush through endings and avoid the pain instead of experiencing the rich soup of emotions that come up."
Some people plod away in dreary jobs and dead relationships, while others are forever cutting people off and finding new careers. If so, your tendency could be a default.
At one end of the emotional spectrum are those with high need for closure. They want definite answers. They’d rather be fired or broken up with than linger on in ambiguity. These types prefer order and predictability in the world and tend to be decisive. If the shoe fits, you may be cutting yourself off from the rewards that come from waiting to see how situations unfold. Your anxiety is driving you to force resolutions, though you may feel better temporarily, you may also miss out on better opportunities in the long run.
"Sometimes people don't end things because they are lazy or have a low tolerance for frustration. They can't stand the hassle of ending a boring conversation, say, so they go on being miserable rather than risking a short period of intense discomfort."
The inclinations to quit prematurely or to prolong the inevitable have something in common, says Hayes,
"Each distracts you from confronting deeper motivations, such as fear of failure or of intimacy. Either way, you are not being mindful of your true feelings."
In her coaching work, Pamela Slim has found that many people dread the uncertain period between phases of life, more than they dread the departure itself.
"I call it 'wandering in the desert.' As a culture, we don't like ambiguity. But it's a rich time where you can reconnect with who you are instead of jumping into a new relationship or a new job."
How can you know when the decision to move on is an objectively good one and not just a product of your own bias to quit... or to linger interminably?
There's no unified rationale for when you should stand on your desk for a farewell speech or know when it would be better to slink out the back door.
"You generally don't want to burn bridges. You want to be mindful of others' interests, to be in control."
Were past exits messy or hurtful?
We don't want to deal with fallout, no matter how radical the change—we want our boss to still like us, our boyfriend to be our friend.
"The fantasy is that we will be viewed the way we want to be viewed, that everyone will find our reasons for ending legitimate. But you have to accept that other people may have been hurt,"
says psychologist Judith Sills.
If you must end something against someone else's will, of course some thought and sensitivity toward their feelings will make it easier. But if the situation is toxic or damaging, then finessing the ending is less important than just making the break. You don't owe a formal good-bye to someone who is really mistreating you, so protect yourself from further harm, drop off the key, Lee, and just get out.
Remember, over time people come to regret inaction more than action and many memories close with the passing of time.
When an ending is closed, you can disinterestedly, pull it up without getting swayed by strong emotions. Then even your worst exit can help you plan the swan songs to come.
Psychology Today
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