Tenderness
No one expects much of suffering people. In fact, it seems cruel to demand accountability or responsibility from people deep sixed in pain and misery.
Many couples have trouble, intimately, because of childhood molestation or abuse. They have ‘compassion’ for each other, but it keeps them from demanding what should be a part of intimacy, their most healthy and loving self. That compassion keeps them starving for love and a healthy marriage.
‘'Damaged’ people avoid challenges, not learning or trying new things for a fear of a painful failure, dismissing any chance of success, the baby with the bathwater. They’d have to leave the safety of their familiar and sad place of feeling bad for themselves, with no support.
Avoiding challenges is a means of keeping safe. The irony is the more safe you are, the less depth and texture is to your life.
If your life has been, basically, one threat after another to your sanity or physical self, it’s hard not to live in your feelings. That can lead to a life that precludes growth and joy. This, generally, comes from giving attention to anything, just outside the parameters of your personal domain.
A need to be the center of the universe ensures perpetual caretaking, yet, also means you don’t have to tend to the needs or feelings of anyone else.
Men are peculiar in how they become the center of the universe. They don’t do it through tears of pain. Men are, more likely, to withdraw and drink, or dominate and hurt with words or physical violence. The whole family is constantly vigilant about his moods and afraid of setting him off. He becomes a pampered, protected center of the universe because of his family’s fears.
A point of understanding is how historical pain, feeling unloved, and a fear of exposure, because of childhood secrets can impact the need for tenderness, sought, but can’t admit to, risk or trust.
They’ve lived for so long, conditioned to not need it, they’re afraid of showing vulnerability and being hurt or rejected, again. It can be a monumental act of courage to expose a sensitive, sentimental sacred heart.
Bad Childhood, Good Life
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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