god forbade...must reading

False Self

    The severity and intensity of narcissism comes from the desperate pursuit of a sense of self. They believe all the lies they tell themselves about who they are. So, the saying, if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth. This is how a false self develops.

    The opposite of a false self is an authentic self. The authentic self is the core of whom you really are, not what people tell you you should be or the you defined by people who do not really know you. The doubters, critics, and others who see the part of you that you choose to show. It's the you that you talk about to the people and know you best and whom you trust to be careful with your vulnerabilities.

    The real self is into creating win-win solutions. Indeed, she wants to do things that serve all parties. She also understands how it is possible to do so. After all, when one is living as the real self, she receives inner guidance that directs her on how to take actions that benefit others as well as the self. This means she doesn't sacrifice her own needs for another, but she doesn't disregard those of others so she might benefit herself, either.

   Narcissists can't afford to be vulnerable at all, especially not to themselves. Remember, they need to believe the lie. So they make up a fictitious false self who is everything the narcissist is not, the entitled, superior, inflated, and grandiose self.  This image is fed by the narcissist's fantasies and by what they can squeeze out of sources of narcissistic supply.

   This mask, which the narcissist thinks is real, hides the insecure and damaged part of this image and chases way feelings of depression, abandonment, and shame. It protects her from painful feelings. Affirmations of the false self keep the mask in good repair. If they're not forthcoming, she demands them in one way or another in the ways that make the relationship a wild rollercoaster ride.

   The false self serves as a decoy, it attracts the fire. It is a proxy for the true self. It is tough as nails and can absorb any amount of pain, hurt and negative emotions. By inventing it, immunity develops to the indifference, manipulation, sadism, smothering, or exploitation, in short, to the abuse. It is a cloak, protecting him, rendering him invisible and omnipotent at the same time. The narcissist thinks,

       "I am this false self. Therefore, I deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment."

The false self, thus, is a contraption intended to alter other people's behavior and attitude towards the narcissist.

Randi Kreger in Stop Walking on Eggshells

Diane England, Ph.D.

Sam Vaknin

see anti self system