Idealization
We are all prone to the powers of idealization. Choosing to adopt a specific perspective about someone or subconsciously reconstructing our memories may facilitate or decrease our overall happiness. Often unawares, certain perceptions have a powerful impact on our relationship satisfaction.
Research has shown that most of us desire a partner who is among other qualities, attractive, trustworthy, warm, successful, and intelligent. However, despite what popular culture suggests, it's often difficult to find a partner who fits the bill. Luckily for us, our memories and the powers of idealization can help us think we've found the person who has all of these qualities.
Just how this frog turns into a prince, our memories undergo several edits and re-writes as new information is added. Idealization occurs when we generate positive illusions by maximizing virtues and minimizing flaws. These illusions are a combination of the person's actual traits coupled with the belief that their faults are minimal.
As long as this is carried out to a realistic degree, benefits can be found. However, those who unrealistically lionize lovers and create qualities that their partner does not possess, may be at risk for disillusionment and inevitable disappointment.
Not surprisingly, research has shown that newlyweds reported less satisfaction when their partners turned out to be less ideal than they initially thought. Likewise, those who appropriately idealize their partners have all the facts they need, they just interpret them in a more positive light. It makes sense to rachet up the image of those we like given that we want to be liked by those desirable others. A self-fulfilling prophecy may take place when we treat our partners like they are wonderful and talented people in that we actually help elicit this behavior from them and enhance their self esteem. The Michaelengelo effect in believing your partner is the best, we may help him or her become their ideal self.
In the end, the qualities we decide we want in someone are, conveniently, the qualities the person we end up with has.
Our reconstructive memories for events in the past are usually a combination of what happened then coupled with what we know now. Usually a couple works together in constructing vivid and extensive memories about their shared history.
Remarkably, your current feeling about your partner significantly impacts what is remembered about your shared past. If a couple is on the rocks they are more likely to forget the happy times and instead focus on the present bitterness. But, if a couple is presently happy, they are more inclined to minimize shortcomings and forget past knockdowns and arguments. This reconstruction of memory may enhance a relationship when remembering more positive components of a shared past. Couples that remember recent improvement in their relationships, even if it did not happen, report greater satisfaction. Thus, idealizing and rehearsing happier memories may be doubly beneficial.
However, proceed with caution Don Quijotes of the world, not all battles can be neatly won with the treaty of idealization. Falsely idealizing a partner and generating a fantasy may not eradicate problems if you're already experiencing contention.
Maybe idealization and reconstructing our memories can enhance an existing relationship or emerging flame. And, maybe when people say look on the bright side you won't be confused which side that is.
Psychology Today
No comments:
Post a Comment