Expectations
We miss our opportunity for available delights when we focus on imagined delights...that are not available.
The first kind of holiday suffering is created by our expectations. We tell ourselves what our lives should be and we imagine what our lives will be. These expectations of what is true and what will be true are the product of the stories we tell ourselves about our lives. They could be not the same as what is actually happening.
Our internal stories are essential. I'm not suggesting that we can or should be done with them, only realize we have constructed them, often with a minimum of tangible information.
We have seen many images of what a perfect holiday should be, loving families without problems, loving friends without hidden agendas, warmth and comfort and security, and lots of presents that are precisely what we want. Many of us, telling ourselves we should have this exact experience, are disappointed when our expectations are not met and go on to imagine that we are unloved and that our lives will be difficult. We suffer.
There may be joy right in front of us that we don't notice because we are convinced that if our experience does not live up to the expectations we bring to the holiday, it's not good enough to enjoy what we do have. We miss our opportunity for available delights when we focus on imagined delights that are not forthcoming.
Gaining perspective on our expectations also can help us with the other kind of holiday suffering that comes to mind, loneliness. It's part of our brain structure, a biological drive, to seek connections and to build our lives in the context of other beings. Lack of that connection can be exacerbated by the stories of what our lives should be.
When we are caught up in the cauldron of our expectations, we become further isolated. Focusing on our suffering, we push people away. We become self absorbed, close our hearts to seeing how we might connect with another human being in this moment, and miss the comfort the connection could bring.
Allowing ourselves some perspective on our stories and our resulting expectations can be liberating.
Psychology Today
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