Singles
There has been a seismic shift in the place of singles in American culture, in the lives they lead, in the way others see them and, more profoundly, in the way they see themselves. Not only are singles the fastest-growing population group in the country, most of us will spend more of our adult lives single than married. That hard demographic fact is rapidly turning singlehood into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station, a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame, an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than a demand to stuff all one's emotional eggs into one basket.
"Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,"
says social historian Stephanie Coontz.
"It has its own rewards. Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore. For most people it's the dessert, desirable, but no longer the main course."
People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner, but they are a lot less desperate, she adds. Increasingly, individuals are finding singlehood preferable to being in an unsatisfactory relationship. In fact, the possibility of singlehood as a viable life path throws into high relief a finding that is slowly emerging from mountains of social science data, that neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss, much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.
While polls show that men are warming to the idea of marriage, women are increasingly in a financial, emotional and professional position to weigh carefully all the trappings that come with the institution. Because they are more conscious of the tradeoffs, women still do more of the housework and childcare, they are increasingly unwilling, Coontz finds,
"to put up with something that violates their sense of fairness."
Research psychologist Bella DePaulo believes the growing number of singles is the hidden force behind what she calls matrimania, the glorification of marriage and, especially, the cultural obsession with weddings.
"Americans feel insecure about the place of marriage,"
she observes.
"It no longer appears to be the only path to happiness."
Even as singlehood is becoming the de facto norm, people who choose to go through life solo are deliberately kept in a state of confusion about their own motives by a culture that clings to the marriage standard. Typically, says DePaulo, singles are told that they are selfish for pursuing their own life goals. If you're single and you have a great job to which you devote energy, you're typically told your job won't love you back. Of course, singles are always suspect as tragic losers in the game of love. But most of all they are told through commercials, images and endless articles that they will never be truly happy and deeply fulfilled unless they are married.
"The battlefield is now psychological,"
says DePaulo.
Single women today have work opportunities, economic independence and reproductive freedom.
"The things that can be legislated are all done," she notes. "The last great way to keep women in their place is to remind them that they are incomplete. Even if you think you're happy, the messages go, you don't know real happiness."
There's a hunger out there for a new view of singles.
Psychology Today
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