Self Loathing
Self loathing, to love others without loving yourself.
Self-loathing is an attitude, that such people can love others without loving themselves.
Such a trait may not be attractive to other people, making it difficult for the self-loathing person to find someone with whom to have a relationship, as well as to maintain a relationship once one has begun. But it does not necessarily prevent that person from loving another, because the inward focus of the self-loathing attitude may be separable from his or her attitudes towards other people. Call this type of self-loathing what you will—extreme or ascetic humility, perhaps—but I can't see any clear reason why it is i
nconsistent with loving others.
It is the second type of self-loathing who is not predisposed to it, but instead finds certain aspects of themselves to be inadequate, which results in a general state of self-loathing. You may see something in the other person that reminds you of why you don't like yourself, either something good in him or her which you lack, or something missing in him or her that you also find missing in yourself.
Both of these are bad because they're symptoms of the same basic problem, that you find something missing in yourself, which is reinforced by the other person whether he or she has that missing quality or not. Let's say you don't feel successful in your job, which makes you feel inadequate, in general. If you find a person who is similarly unsuccessful, at least in your eyes, you may feel you can't attract a successful person because you're unsuccessful, reinforcing your feelings of failure. You would rather have a successful partner to make you feel less uncomfortable with your own lack of success. But then again, if your partner is successful, that may also reinforce your feelings of failure when you compare yourself to them. In both cases, it is your own perceived lack of success, and the fact that you're looking to another person to fill that gap in some way, that is the true problem.
So if you're a person with the second type of self-loathing, you may still be able to love others without necessarily loving yourself, as long as you do not try to use the other person to compensate in some way for what you find lacking in yourself. Ideally, you should be a complete person when you enter a relationship, but even if you are not, and you hate yourself for it, you must remember that it is not the other person's responsibility to complete you. The goal when seeking a relationship is to find someone who fits and complements you, not one who compensates for your perceived failures. Those issues are yours to deal with, and it is not fair to expect them to resolve them, especially if they're not aware that's what you're doing.
It’s not, in any way, easy. It is all too tempting to use other people to prop us up, to disguise what we consider failures, to fill those missing pieces of our lives or ourselves. And it's fine to do it once in a while, as the song goes, ‘lean on me, when you're not strong’ but only for support during occasional periods of stress, exhaustion, or sadness, not compensation for a deeper, more existentialist malaise. If you feel you need that kind of help, please get it from somebody, but don't expect your romantic partner to carry that burden themselves.
Psychology Today
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