god forbade...must reading

Radical Acceptance

     When you're in a relationship with a high conflict personality most people jump right into using tools like communication techniques or setting limits. The thought process seems to be that the tool can change the fundamental personality of someone who has made it clear they don't want to change.

    So when the tools don't work to change the other person, rather than change the situation, as is the goal, people get more and more stuck. Rather than truly accept that their BP/NP is the way they are without judgment, people in online groups find it more soothing to spend most of their time complaining about the person, making horrible generalizations about BPs and NPs that aren't true, putting that person down, putting themselves down for not succeeding, and most of all, continue trying to control the other person.

    Don't get me wrong. The tools are vital to cope with the way your loved one is, not who you want them to be. Tools are powerful ways to change the 50% of the relationship that is about you. But they don't fundamentally change the other person. You have not failed if, for example, your loved one still yells or resists limits.

    Tools take time and practice to implement. Their purpose is to deal with the person mindfully the way they are, not the way you want them to be. Contrary to common belief, BPs and NPs don't act the way they do to hurt you. They have deeply ingrained ways of surviving in a world that isolates them from those they wish would love them. It's a terrible way of life to continually sabotage yourself.

    Tools don't fundamentally change the other person, they help you have a better relationship with the person the way they are, not the way you want them to be. Hope, love and prayer have their places, but don't expect them to transform or fix someone who doesn't want to be transformed or fixed. Only you can change you, just try it. And only they can change themselves. Coming to terms with that fact of life is called Radical Acceptance. It must come first for the tools to be most effective.

Randi Kreger

in Stop Walking on Eggshells

Psychology Today 

see cry of love