Commitment
"What is it about men and commitment?"
We are not saying this suggestion may not have some truth to it, but rather, pointing out the danger in making sweeping statements. They tend to be overly inclusive and highly generalized, and therefore, not necessarily accurate.
The term commitment can have multiple meanings including "giving in charge or entrusting, a pledge to do something, the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to some course of action, contractual engagement involving financial obligations and an official consignment to a prison or mental hospital."
Is it any wonder that many of us, men and women, particularly those who have had unsuccessful or painful experiences with failed relationships, are hesitant to step back into the fire?
Commitment is simply a stance taken in relation to something held as valuable and worth sustaining.
It is commitment that enables a parent to awaken four times a night to attend to a crying child. It is commitment that allows an athlete to endure physical discomfort. And it is commitment that allows a couple to stay together, to remain loving in the face of fear or anger, and to be present with each other when their strongest impulses are to disengage, attack, or explode.
A survey conclusion is that while Americans generally believe that once a marriage is down, it's done, this is often not the case. In actuality, while some marriages will not improve over time, a large percentage of troubled marriages do, and,
"in the end, many get to a very different place in life."
A significant factor has to do with whether or not a couple shares a clear vision of a future together.
Ninety-four percent of young adults stated that they were not willing to marry someone who they didn't feel was their soul mate. The most frequently described definition of a soul mate is,
"someone who will take me as I am and not try to change me."
If someone expects unconditional love, then they had better be prepared to provide that to their partner as well. If it becomes a deal-breaker for your partner to judge you, then you are just as guilty of judgment and blame as they are. If unconditional love is a prerequisite for healthy relationships, then just about all of us are doomed.
A loving partnership, marriage or otherwise, requires tolerance, and forgiveness of our all-too-human weaknesses and imperfections. Waiting for the perfect soul mate will probably result in a pretty lonely life. Rather than waiting, we might instead want to use our precious life energies cultivating patience, compassion, self-acceptance, kindness, and forbearance. When these qualities become more fully integrated within ourselves, we don't need to find the perfect soul mate because we have accepted the perfection of our own imperfections. True soul mates don't provide an experience of ongoing bliss for each other, but rather share a partnership in which the commitment is to each other's growth towards wholeness. While this path may be fraught with obstacles and challenges, its fruits are unimaginably sweet and beyond measure. Try it and see.
Psychology Today
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