god forbade...must reading

Coolidge Effect

     Research has found for women the longer the relationship sexual desire declines, for men tenderness generally declines. Usually the more frustrated partner quite logically assumes he would be perfectly happy if only he could have as much sex as their heart’s content.

    Mates are actually up against a rather nasty subconscious genetic program, which often pushes them out of sync, sexually and even toward novel partners.

    Consider a test of monkeys given hormone injections to preserve the mood. Monkey heaven, no? The males got it less frequently and with less enthusiasm.

    The question is what would happen if your mate were always in the mood? Chances are good that you soon wouldn't be...at least with them. The sad truth is that if your spouse isn't having orgasmic sex with you as often as you'd like, they could be preserving your union by preventing you from satiating yourself sexually too frequently. This is not an ideal situation, however, because without frequent affectionate contact, the emotional bonds between couples weakens. Unfortunately, many couples drift into engaging in conscious affection only when pursuing said orgasm.

   The Coolidge Effect is the tendency to tire of the old man or woman with whom you have sexually got your fill, while mechanically perking up for a new one.

   Female mammals were known to flirt a lot more with unfamiliar partners than with those with which they've already copulated. In keeping with this phenomenon, when couples divorce because their sex lives have gone out of sync, the formerly uninterested spouse is often startled by a raging libido when a new lover enters the picture.

    Why would biology cause a regular partner to look more and more like brussels sprouts and a new one to look like rich chocolate mousse? Your genes prefer to sail into the future on as many different boats as they can clamber aboard. Monogamy is as risky as putting all your eggs in one basket.

   No mammals are monogamous, sexually exclusive, and only a small percentage even bother pair bonding. These pair-bonding outliers are known to be socially monogamous. They readily form long-term attachments and often raise their offspring together, even if some of them still experience urges to fool around thanks to the Coolidge Effect.

    The Coolidge Effect becomes more evident after the honeymoon wears off. As expected, new lovers inevitably believe they are immune as do people who believe they are not getting enough good loving. Sure enough, research shows that spouses tend to find each other more irritating the longer they are married.

   Its important to remember the more subtle pleasures can register as surprisingly enjoyable and partners tend to retain their sparkle. So, if the Coolidge Effect creeps into your union, don't panic. You may have options you hadn't considered.

Marnia Robinson

in Cupid's Poisoned Arrow

Psychology Today

see Affairs and Akratic action

god forbade...must reading

American Dream XII

    There's no fixed definition for the American Dream. Since the phrase became commonplace in the 1930s, the "American Dream" has come to connote homeownership and the materialistic possessions that typically reflect prosperity. But there are plenty of ways to be successful without owning a home or impressive things. So make prosperity, not homeownership, the focus of your dream, and define it in a way that's both satisfying and attainable.

   The housing bust and recent recession also made clear that millions of American were living on borrowed money that supported a lifestyle they couldn't really afford. So spend money only on what you really need, while saving as much as possible. Anybody who has lived with troublesome debts knows that peace of mind is worth a lot more than nearly any amount of stuff.

      The two biggest causes of financial stress are a sudden job loss and a medical emergency not covered by insurance. Anticipating what can go wrong can help prevent sudden catastrophic events that are often hard to recover from. Excessive optimism, by contrast, might keep your spirits up temporarily, but it can backfire if you foolishly assume that everything will work out, without any special effort.

    Americans should prepare for a less-generous government. Key programs like Medicare and Social Security will most likely be protected. One way or another, self-sufficiency will be far more important in the future.

    With many schools cutting back, parents need to get more involved in their kids' education by monitoring homework, researching scholarships and enrichment programs, exploiting online resources, and spotting problems early instead of relying on an overworked, or nonexistent guidance counselor.

    Make sure you don't end up saddled with an overwhelming amount of student-loan debt. Anyone interested in highly competitive or low-paying fields like the arts, teaching, or social work should limit loans to what they'll be able to pay back on a meager salary.

    This is a trite observation by now, but getting ahead is no longer a matter of getting a degree, landing a job, and then closing the books. The most successful people tend to be lifelong learners, which is more important than ever because fast-changing technology is a dominant factor in modern business. If you keep learning and effectively apply your knowledge, eventually your skill set may evolve into leadership, one of the most valuable skills of all.

    The pressure to spend is enormous, but there's virtually no downside to saving as much money as possible. In business, companies with ready capital are the ones most able to survive ugly surprises and jump on unexpected opportunities. A bigger nest egg will allow you to take prudent risks when it's smart to.

   Medical emergencies are one of the leading causes of personal bankruptcy.

It's hard to get ahead if you're routinely sick and out of work, or laid up with a disability. Success these days requires energy and longevity, which are easier to muster the healthier you are.

    Some economists think that many families overspend on housing because of the need to live in a good school district where homes cost considerably more. That may have contributed to the housing boom and bust that has now left nearly 25 percent of all mortgage holders owing more than their properties are worth. And the cost of childcare can sometimes negate much of the income a second working parent pulls in. Better long-term planning might ease the burden.

     Moving can be daunting, especially if you're underwater on a mortgage and it would cost money to sell. But staying put can be worse, especially if it committs you to a stagnant economy with little upside.

   The economic ecosystems of the future will be places that combine a university, an educated populace, a dynamic business community and the fastest broadband connections on earth. Some of those places will be overseas. If you're floundering but the idea of moving seems intimidating, keep in mind that America was built by pioneers willing to go wherever necessary to find their fortune. Many people are still willing.

     Businesses go in and out of favor faster than ever these days. Develop a backup plan in case your company becomes the next Blockbuster, Border's, or Kodak. Waiting until everybody else is jumping ship probably means you've, most likely, missed the boat.

    Buying a home may once again be a sensible way to build wealth, since prices have fallen dramatically and interest rates are at record lows. Buy for the long term, not for a quick profit. Buy less than you can afford and make sure you still have a rainy-day fund. Don't count on home equity to fund much of anything in the future.

    Many of the most successful people today work punishing hours, spend too much time away from home, and hustle all the time, because that's what opportunity demands. Yet, millions around the world envy them.

Good advise, heed it.

Rick Newman

in How to Reclaim the American Dream

USNews

god forbade...must reading

Political Climate

    To characterize the American political process, the rise of disrespect, even hatred, displayed by those who disagree on matters of religion or politics is perhaps the most ominous development. Some characterize this as a decline in civility, but it is more than that. The attribution of ill will or a lack of patriotism to one's opponents bespeaks a loss of faith in our ability to listen to, learn from, and compromise with each other. Ignorance, anger, and fear are co-existing traits that have come to distort the public discourse leading to all manner of conspiracy theories and delusional beliefs.

    Nature itself is intolerant of stupidity. If you are disoriented in the wilderness or lost at sea, survival depends on an ability to navigate and find food. We may be insulated from such harsh reality by the conveniences of modern life and the proximity of the nearby supermarket. But we are still in danger of losing our way individually and as a society if we lose the capacity to listen to each other and act in a way that benefits all.

     An honest politician has become an oxymoron. The worst form of dishonesty, hypocrisy, is at once an object of our contempt and accepted as an occupational hazard among those who would deceive us for power or profit. The widespread cynicism that this reality produces undermines the trust essential to any political system that depends on the consent of the governed.

    Courage begins with understanding. If we learned to be more honest with ourselves about our strengths and our failings, perhaps we would be in a position to demand more from those we choose to lead us. We are all fallible and none of us is selfless. No one has all the answers and we all deserve tolerance for our shortcomings. But we need to be as truthful with ourselves as we can be so that we can demand honesty and forbearance from those we select to make decisions about the common good.

Gordon S. Livingston

in Lifelines

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Chain Stores

    It is hard to run a small business. There are lots of decisions you have to make from scratch. One bad year or a downturn in the local economy can wipe out years of hard work, not to mention a lifetime of savings. Big companies have an advantage, bad sales at one location can be absorbed as long as sales remain strong in other locations.

   But there is an element of psychology in the success of chain stores as well.

     A paper started with an interesting hypothesis. Americans prize individuality, but they also prize mobility. We cherish the opportunity to move to a new city or a new state to advance our careers or just to get a change of scenery.

    The researchers suggested that when people move frequently, they may end up attaching themselves to chain stores. The anxiety of moving may lead people to prefer familiar stores over the unique businesses they would have encountered.

    Researchers asked a broad question using census and corporate data. If people tend to prefer chain stores more strongly when they move around a lot, then states in which people move frequently should have more chain stores than states where people move less often.

   They found that the amount of mobility really did predict the number of outlets of chains in a given state.

    You can't experimentally assign people to move a lot or to stay in one place.

Researchers induced a feeling of mobility to look at its influence on preference for familiar things.

     Participants were exposed to a number of unfamiliar faces five times. Research on mere exposure has found that people quickly come to prefer things they have been exposed to compared to those that are unfamiliar. After seeing these faces, participants rated how much they liked a series of faces. Some were ones they had seen before, while others were new faces they had not seen before.

    The independent lifestyle that we often lead in the United States creates great freedom. But that freedom comes at the cost of our connection to community. When we move from place to place, we disrupt our connections to family and friends. We also force ourselves to adapt to a new house and a new environment.

    In those times, we tend to attach ourselves to things that are familiar as an anchor. Many things can substitute an anchor. One of them is the places we shop. Shopping at a familiar chain store after moving provides a sense of balance to counteract the chaotic feelings we might have as we try to re-root ourselves in a new home.

Art Markman, Ph.D.

in Ulterior Motives

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Marry the Girl Next Door

     Rules of conduct run most everything.

     If you want to feel at home, marry a bird of your own feather. The girl-next-door image is frequently used to describe a familiar goodness but an unexciting marriage prospect. But, the excitement factor is the least likely predictor for happiness and longevity in a relationship. In fact, marrying the girl or boy next door is a reliable indicator for the continuity of spiritual homes.

     If you marry outside your tribe, the both of you will have to negotiate every step along the path of your marriage. You'll spend more time trying to reconcile your differences than attending to matters at hand. Even if you agree about a particular subject one day, the next day you may face some variation of the issue that requires negotiation. Nothing will come easily or spontaneously. There is no implicit understanding or silent recognition of sameness. If anything, implicit and explicit misunderstandings will permeate the relationship. This is not the kind of effort that fosters a stable union in marriage, nor does it foster betterment through collaboration. It is establishing the starting line, over and again.

    In out-of-tribe marriages, long arduous negotiations and fights deplete everyone. One partner eventually gives in from sheer fatigue and lets the other take over. The compromised partner usually feels demoralized, losing the important part of theirself that was defined by the tribe. The extent of the compromise determines the damage to the person's soul.

    If you drive deeper into your tribal community through marriage, you'll be freed from time-consuming negotiations. You'll know where you stand in every aspect of your life and effortlessly move from one arena to another.

   Having common mores, ethics, rituals, and a sense of oneness will simplify your life and make it joyful.

 Excitement must be framed in dullness.

T. Byram Karasu, M.D.

in The Mystery of Happiness

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Model Railroad Syndrome

     Model railroader syndrome is the ability to see the completed project in your mind so clearly that you don't actually have to build it. We're talking about someone who talks a good game, gets something started, but never really finishes. Not because they're lazy, but having to do with the fact they see it all so clearly in their mind.



    Research suggests the more clearly you visualize success, the less motivated you are to actually try to achieve it.



     Past research has found that people who spontaneously dream about a rosy future tend to have lower achievement. It flies in the face of a lot of popular psychology ideas about 'visualizing success'. And depressing for those of us who are chronic daydreamers and hope that our fantasies will help us to build a positive future.



   Explanations abound for it. Are optimists just less successful? Does past failure make you dwell on positive fantasies? Are daydreamers less likely to do the hard work necessary to reach their goals or are they sloppier about carrying the work out? Does seeing good things clearly in your mind satisfy your desire for them so you're less motivated, model railroader syndrome? We know that imagining eating makes you less hungry. Maybe imagining success makes you less hungry for it.






    Researchers asked people to generate positive, negative and neutral fantasies about the future. People who had imagined positive futures had less energy than those who imagined that their future was in danger. They also had less energy than those who imagined negative or neutral futures.



   In other words, the more pressing the need, the more important something was, the more positive fantasies sapped people's energy and undermined their motivation.



   These results tell us that something about fantasizing itself contributes to the decline in motivation. Not so much about the people who are fantasizing.



    We know that fear can be debilitating. But perhaps a little worry can stave off complacency and get you going enough to move you from fantasy to reality.






Nancy Darling, Ph.D.
in Thinking About Kids
Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

State of Committment

    Americans value marriage more than people do in any other culture, and it holds a central place in our dreams. Over 90 percent of young adults aspire to marriage—although fewer are actually choosing it, many opting instead for cohabitation. But no matter how you count it, Americans have the highest rate of romantic breakup in the world, says Andrew J. Cherlin, professor of sociology and public policy at Johns Hopkins.

    "By age 35, 10 percent of American women have lived with three or more husbands or domestic partners,"

       Cherlin reports,

    "Children of married parents in America face a higher risk of seeing them break up than children born of unmarried parents in Sweden."

    With general affluence comes many choices, including constant choices about our personal and family life. Even marriage itself is now a choice.

    The heightened focus on options creates a heightened sensitivity to problems that arise in intimate relationships. And negative emotions get priority processing in our brains.

       Cherlins says,

     "We're carrying over into our personal lives the fast pace of decisions and actions we have everywhere else, and that may not be for the best."

    Most of the discontent we now encounter in close relationships is culturally inflicted, although we rarely see it that way. Culture, the pressure to constantly monitor our happiness, the speed of everyday life always climbs into bed with us. The accumulation of forces has made the cultural climate hostile to long-term relationships.

    Attuned to disappointment and confused about its source, we wind up discarding perfectly good relationships.

   Our mind-set has further shifted over the past few decades, experts suggest.

We revert to a stingier self that has been programmed into us by the consumer culture. This accelerating consumer mind-set is a major portal through which destructive forces gain entry and undermine conjoint life.

    If there's one thing that most explicitly detracts from the enjoyment of relationships today, it's an abundance of choice. Psychologist Barry Schwartz calls it an excess of choice, the tyranny of abundance. We see it as a measure of our autonomy and we firmly believe that freedom of choice will lead to fulfillment. Our antennae are always up for better opportunities.

    Just as only the best pair of jeans will do, so will only the best partner. This is not the road to successful long-term relationships. It does not stop with marriage. It undermines commitment by encouraging people to keep their options open.

    If perfection is what you expect, you will always be disappointed, says Schwartz. We become picky and unhappy. The cruel joke our psychology plays on us, of course, is that we are terrible at knowing what will satisfy us or at knowing how any experience will make us feel.

     The heightened sensitivity to relationship problems that follows from constantly appraising our happiness encourages couples to turn disappointment into tragedy.

    Through the alchemy of desire, wants become needs, and unfulfilled needs become personal tragedies.

    We take the everyday disappointments of relationships and treat them as intolerable, see them as demeaning, the equivalent of alcoholism, say, or abuse.

    "People work their way into 'I'm a tragic figure' around the ordinary problems of marriage."

     But in the churn of daily life, we tend to give short shrift to creating positive experiences. Over time, we typically become more oriented to dampening threats and insecurities, to resolving conflict, to eliminating jealousy, to banishing problems. But the brain is wired with both a positive and negative motivational system, and the demand for satisfaction and desire keep the brain's positive system well-stoked.

    Commitment is a key predictor of relationship durability. It creates the perception, the illusion, that even the most attractive alternative partners are unappealing. Attention to them gets turned off, one of the many cognitive gymnastics we engage in to ward off doubts.

     The question is not how you want your partner to change but what kind of partner and person you want to be. In the best relationships, not only are you thinking about who you want to be, but your partner is willing to help you get there. Psychologist Caryl E. Rusbult calls it the Michelangelo effect. Just as Michelangelo felt the figures he created were already in the stones, slumbering within the actual self is an ideal form, explains Eli Finkel. Your partner becomes an ally in sculpting your ideal self, in bringing out the person you dream of becoming, leading you to a deep form of personal growth as well as long-term satisfaction with life and with the relationship.

    The Michelangelo phenomenon gives the lie to the soul mate search. You can't find the perfect person, there is no such thing. And even if you think you could, the person he or she is today is, hopefully, not quite the person he or she wants to be 10 years down the road. You and your partner help each other become a more perfect person according to your own inner ideals.

Hara Estroff Marano

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Discussion of Money

    Though few couples adequately discuss it directly money is such an emotionally loaded topic, its been known to drive partners apart.

    Money is so loaded a symbol that to unload it, and unloaded, it must be to live in a fully rational and balanced relationship to money, reaches deep into the human psyche.

    Couples discuss many things before marriage, but the meaning of money is not one of them. Money is still a taboo topic.

    Many people have a troubled relationship with money. Then, when they get into a couple relationship, money matters get explosive. Other people may have no problem with money individually, the trouble starts after they're in the relationship.

    When men make money in the stock market, they credit their own cleverness. When they lose money, they blame the incompetence of their advisors or bad luck. When women make money in the market, they credit the cleverness of their advisors, good luck or even their lucky stars. When they lose money, they blame themselves.

     Men are trained to believe that money equals power and that power is the path to respect. However, power and control are not compatible with intimacy. Relationships succeed only when both partners are willing to display their vulnerabilities to each other. It's important for men to know that failing to share power cheats them of the intimacy and love they want.

    American culture makes a big mistake in pressuring married couples to merge all their money. It is in fact unwise for couples to merge money right away. Since couples don't talk about money before they marry, you don't know if you're tying yourself to an overspender in debt or a worrier who could drive you crazy.

    Money issues are different from other problems in relationships. They're harder to talk about and harder to resolve because of our extensive cultural conditioning. The most important thing in couples communication is empathy, or putting yourself in your partner's place. It is almost always more important to be heard and understood than to have a partner agree with what you say.

     Never try to negotiate about money before airing your feelings, otherwise, negotiations will always break down.

     How do you turn your consciousness to an area that's usually in the dark? When a couple comes in fighting about money, I first have them clarify their own personal history and private relationship with money before turning to the dynamic between them.

    I want people to see what money symbolizes to them. Then they can unload the symbol.

Olivia Mellan, Karina Piskaldo

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Selfishness

    Essentially, selfishness goes against our universal ethical grain. There's just nothing pro-social, or praise worthy about it, no recognizably redeeming characteristics.

    Defined principally as thinking only of oneself, you get, among other unfavorable possibilities, egotistical, self-centered, and self-seeking. Perceived more along the lines of covetousness or greediness nets you acquisitive, mercenary and miserly. Looked at mainly as thinking very highly of oneself, its uncomplimentary synonyms include conceited, narcissistic, self-absorbed and vainglorious.

    If you're going to take complete responsibility for your thoughts and feelings, wants and needs, and strive to reach your full potential, it makes perfect sense to make yourself your highest priority, to focus your time and energy on advancing your own welfare. That is, to be self-ish. And there's absolutely no reason that you can't at the same time be concerned about, loving and nurturing, toward others. However ironic it might at first seem, much research has shown that giving to others may ultimately be one of the most effective ways to nurture yourself.

    Still, you don't want to give yourself away either. Being caring toward others is hardly the same as sacrificing yourself for them. For, strictly defined, such self-forfeiture would entail subjugating or suppressing your wants and needs for theirs. It would also hinder your chances of self-realization and fulfillment.

Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D.

in Evolution of the Self

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Passive Aggression

  

  Passive aggression is a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger. This sugarcoated hostility is designed to get back at another person without the other recognizing the underlying anger. When a person is able to quickly identify hallmark passive aggressive behaviors for what they are, hidden expressions of anger, they take the first critical step in disengaging from the destructive dynamic.

    Passive aggressive adults are experts at getting others to act out their hidden anger. The skill of recognizing passive aggressive behaviors at face value allows you to be forewarned and to make a choice not to become entangled in a no-win power struggle.

    Passive aggressive persons spend their lives avoiding direct emotional expression and guarding against open acknowledgment of their anger. One of the most powerful ways to confront passive aggressive dynamics and change the behavior in the long-term, then, is to be willing to point out anger directly, when it is present in a situation. Anger should be affirmed in a factual, non-judgmental way. The impact of this seemingly simple exposure can be quite profound.

   Your goal is to bring out in the open the anger that has been below the surface, stuffed inside, and kept secret for so long. Expect that once this has been done, the passive aggressive person will deny the existence of anger.

    When he does, you should verbally accept the defenses for the time being, with a response such as,

      "Okay! It was just a thought I wanted to share with you."

      Don't argue or correct the person's denial at this time, but rather quietly back away from further discussion, leaving your spouse with the thought that you are aware there are some feelings of anger behind his behavior. The advantage of this approach is the comfort of not having to justify or defend your acknowledgement of the anger. By simply sharing your awareness of his covert anger, you have sent a bold and powerful message that the passive aggressive behavior cannot continue and the relationship needs to change.

Signe Whitson, L.S.W.

in Passive Aggressive Diaries

Psychology Today

see passive/ aggression

god forbade...must reading

New Narcissist

    The new definition of narcissism, self-centered and attention-grabbing with a tendency toward manipulating others and deceiving themselves.

    Furthermore, as needing others to confirm their identities, wanting excessively to please others, being unable to empathize with others, having little interest in close relationships, feelings entitled to special treatment, and, last, but not least, seeking attention.

    Narcissism, like all of our personal traits, isn't an all-or-none quality. People vary in their narcissistic tendencies.

    Research shows that narcissism peaks during the years of young adulthood,

self-centeredness seems to be a feature of that particular age period.

    The finding that every generation is the Me generation fits a narcissistic explanation. Social psychologist David Elkind says teenagers believe that they are the center of their universe. They feel that they have an imaginary audience that follows them everywhere, watching and being impressed by their behaviors. Roberts and colleagues pointed out that this self-focus diminishes as teens develop close interpersonal relationships in the early twenties and begin their own families, causing their focus to shift away from themselves and toward their loved ones. People should, then, get less narcissistic as they get older through these normative developmental changes.

    The people high in narcissism exit their teenage and young adult years without making the developmental shift that shifts their focus to others. However, some people never move down to the middle of the narcissism spectrum.

   Three key problem areas of people high in narcissism were more likely to argue, swear, and become enraged, especially if they were the exploitative and entitled type of narcissist.

     Being more likely to shirk their duties. Once again, exploitative and entitled narcissists were the most poorly adapted. It wasn't that they were lazy, but that they didn't become academically engaged.

    The exploitative and entitled were more likely to talk dirty. Even after controlling for the fact that many sexual words also express anger, the exploiters and entitled used more sexual language in their everyday speech.

    Is there hope for the narcissist?

    Age, experience, and involvement in new social roles lead most people to grow out of their youthful narcissism.

     Learning to read other people's reactions can help people tone down their self-centered focus and calm their exploitative or explosive tendencies.

    The ability to make great first impressions can be a tremendous strength if it's followed by learning to develop empathy and a sincere interest in other people.

    Don't write off the narcissist as doomed to a self-centered life. Change can occur naturally over time.

Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D.

in Fulfillment at Any Age

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Economic Outlook

    Hirers hold all the cards in the job market right now. If you have a job, you are likely to cling to it for dear life even if you're not happy about your salary. And if you're looking for work, and have been for some time, you're more likely to take a job that comes with a smaller paycheck.

    "With high employment, there is no pressure for companies to increase wages and that's very much a problem. I think that's going to continue,"

    Research director Cam Albright added.

     Even if the economy doesn't technically double dip and head back into recession, it still feels as if the last recession never really ended.

    Nobody may like to hear this. But no matter what the White House, Congress and regulators do or don't do about taxes, stimulus, the deficit or interest rates, the sad reality is that the only real solution for this economic malaise is time.

     "Growth is elusive. We are still dealing with the residual effects of the financial crisis. That will stay with us for awhile,"

     Albright said.

Paul R. La Monica

The Buzz

CNN Money

god forbade...must reading

Autonomous Workers

     Russ Eisenstat's research has led him to believe that people who do not feel forced to compartmentalize, people who are able to bring their whole selves to the job and can connect what they do at work to a meaningful larger purpose are happier. The companies who employ such people are, by extension, more successful.

     But not all employers like the look of that kind of power. Why not? Because people in that happy groove are often people who care a lot about the product. Sometimes they care much more than their employer or immediate superior does. They're difficult to argue with. Ask them to compromise on a strategy or workflow or company output, and you're essentially asking them to compromise their values, their integrity, their very selves.

    We have a term for such stubbornly integrated people who refuse to check their personas at the door when they sit down to work. We call them freelancers. Called in to help with specific projects, they bring their specific, highly developed skills to the table, and when said project is done, they move on. Unless they are experiencing a severe cash flow drought, they tend not to contract for projects that require too much compromise. The self-employed swap steady paychecks for the joy of not having to apologize to the boss when a child's illness means they need to clock out at 3 p.m.

     Employees typically don't have that option. To keep their job or keep peace with colleagues, they're more likely to be put into a position where they're just following orders. Even at a time when forward-thinking companies claim to have abandoned the old command-and-control model, the fact that the company signs the checks puts a proverbial thumb on the scale.

     We may enjoy our own full selves, but other people's full selves can be downright offensive. Introducing greater transparency into the workplace could lead to peppier employees. It could just as easily lead to stronger, more personal resentments.

     Small surprise, then, that the very first books about how to succeed in business cautioned against being too comfortable in the office.

      "No doubt there are a few men who can look beyond the husk or shell of a human being, his angularities, awkwardness, or eccentricity, to the hidden qualities within,"

       William Mathews wrote,

         "But the majority are neither so sharp-eyed nor so tolerant."

     There are good ways to bring one's full self to work, even for an employee who can't shake the sense that some shadowy IT person is reading over their shoulder every time they compose an email. But outside of a corporate environment in which employees are treated like adults who can decide for themselves when it's all right to clock out at 3, or a broader culture in which people are comfortable with disagreement and confrontation, meaningful progress is going to be difficult.

     Tell a Dutch professional, for example, that his project proposal reminds you of work you did in high school, and chances are you two will still share a companionable after-work Amstel. Try something similar in a Minneapolis boardroom, and you may not be invited back.

Megan Hustad

Fortune Magazine

god forbade...must reading

Star of Your Own Story

    When asked I do consider myself the star of my own story. But doesn't everyone, I mean, if we were really honest about it? After all, how many of us have daydreamed about writing the great American novel or experienced moments that felt like scenes from a movie?

   Sigmund Freud distinguished healthy and unhealthy narcissism. Starring in our personal narratives is only narcissistic if the titles of our stories are ‘me, my, and only mine’. But what if the title of your novel is ‘serving humanity’ or ‘family comes first?’

   Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa starred in numerous biographies written about them. They were the stars of their stories, but their storylines were about living for causes larger than themselves.

   Research suggests that our brains are wired to process information in narrative form. Think about it, we tell stories all day, about how we spent the day, funny things that happened, and issues that bother us. We often frame our stories in terms of supporting characters, spouses, parents, children, friends, colleagues, to name a few. Adversarial ones, the disapproving mother-in-law, the psychotic, power hungry boss, or the crazy ex boyfriend. We classify our lives as chapters, which we call the good old days, hard times, getting married, and raising children. We get frustrated by sudden plot twists, excited by climaxes like weddings and falling in love, and we are disheartened by tragedies.

    The whole social media revolution is predicated on people's desire to tell their stories in moment-to-moment sound-bites and more explicative narratives. May your tiger be tamed.

   Despite our predilections as natural storytellers, few of us actually take time to step out of our stories and figure out what they're about. Who is writing our script, why we've selected our chosen roles, or how the challenges we face can help us develop the strengths we need to move to the next chapter.

   It's very difficult to be objective about our own stories. As a practicing psychotherapist, I've noticed that people call me when they're stuck in old storylines that no longer serve them. Tired of telling themselves the same self-defeating story over and over, they seek in me an objective listener who can read between the lines of the scripts in their heads and help them restructure their narratives in ways that are powerful and meaningful.

   Another reason is that many people are afraid to question their storylines for fear that they might not like what they find. But this might be more a problem of over-valuing materialist achievements and undervaluing the subtle but substantive personal victories that build character, facing a fear, changing an attitude, or kicking a bad habit.

   With so much pressure in society to have it all together, so many don't realize that their lives can be works in progress and still be masterpieces.

Kim Schneiderman, LCSW, MSW

in The Novel Perspective

Psychology Today 

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god forbade...must reading

Context

    Context has the power to shape our most basic behaviors and our most private thoughts. From moral character to a sense of identity to physical attraction and falling in love, our instincts and actions are surprisingly subject to the power of ordinary situations.

     Many of our bad habits become routinized in particular settings. Most of our daily existence takes place in familiar environments, within the confines of well-worn routine. We get to the point where we take those immediate surroundings for granted, but we also come to associate automatically certain behavioral tendencies with those routines.

    Anything you can do to disrupt your automatic response to your surroundings can be beneficial. Frankly, just being aware of the role context plays in sustaining bad habits can be enough to kickstart the effort to snap them.

    One of the major themes of the past decade of social cognition research is that we can combat implicit associations by making them explicit. So by forcing yourself to appreciate the ways in which context shapes behavior, you can regain the upper hand in the battle for self control.

    As with other aspects of human nature, you have to recognize that the world around you is pulling your strings before you can effectively start yanking back.

Sam Sommers

in Science Of Small Talk

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Perfectionism to the Nth degree

     People labor under the false belief that if they just try hard enough, they can always get things precisely right. What a burden! Perfectionists tend to be insecure and overly critical, certainly of themselves, but also of others. Some perfectionists, however, are not equal-opportunity critics, they hold themselves up to impossible standards, while giving everyone else a free pass.

    In truth, perfectionism exists on a spectrum. To one degree or another, we all sometimes demand just a little too much of ourselves, at least in certain areas. Up to a point, this can be healthy. A little perfectionism sets high standards that force us to grow. The problem is when taken to an extreme, when it becomes the person's predominant way of functioning.

    Except for fleeting moments, perfection is impossible to achieve. No one, and no thing can be absolutely perfect. We all have flaws and anything we do could probably always be improved upon. An accurate self-assessment allows us to accept our imperfections and to decide what might be worth striving for.

    True perfectionists have a hard time doing this. Deep down, they are convinced there is something fundamentally wrong with them, and so all the praise and success in the world isn't enough. Since they drive themselves to accomplish a great deal, they take little pleasure in their accomplishments, much less in the process of getting there. Sometimes, they can be self-destructive, since they are always ready to fail based on excessive internal demands, they may procrastinate or miss deadlines obsessing over details. Ironically, they then prove their fear, that they are somehow fundamentally flawed.

    Perfectionists can come across as controlling, of themselves, of situations, and of others since they fear being out of control. They torment themselves into knots of second guessing, often suffering from anxiety, depression and difficulty sleeping. They have a hard time seeing beyond the black-and-white extremes of absolute success or abysmal failure.

    These alternatives include accepting oneself as we are, even as we continuously push for further growth, to test the limits of our potentials. Perfection is a necessary, even healthy illusion. It is the demand that everything be perfect that truly makes a person miserable.

Eric Sherman, LCSW

in Couch Meets World

Psychology Today

god forbade...must reading

Infidelity

    "What contributed to this person's choice to betray me - why did they choose infidelity"?

    The first question is an unanswerable one as trusting your partner following an affair has more to do with YOU and how YOU choose to respond to being betrayed. The second question is much more interesting, and if answered correctly, more likely to keep you safe if you decide to heal and evolve together following an affair.

    Every affair tells a story and although it is true that the story has something to do with the state of a relationship where betrayal takes place, what's more true is that infidelity tells an important story about who the unfaithful partner is, the state of their own psyche and soul, whether they are even suitable for a real relationship with anyone with the bandwidth to actually love.

    Infidelity always has a purpose to it, although most often that purpose is not known or understood, and must be, in order to really answer the questions around,

     "Once a cheater, always a cheater".

    All behavior is purposeful and people don't do anything without a reason for doing it. Your task is to become your own personal psychologist and ask the right questions about the right issues to arrive at your own truth about keeping yourself safe in a relationship with someone who has betrayed you.

    The truth is if you don't show up and ask for what you want in a relationship, you give up the right to expect having it. I expected a lot and didn't show up by being emotionally absent which set the marriage up to be unfulfilling and fail.

    I became a workaholic believing my wife loved me only because of what I could provide her with allowing anger and entitlement, a dangerous alchemy fueling my acting out, to justify the erosion of boundaries and values giving rise to my affair. Without boundaries and a value base to live from, anyone is capable of having an affair.

    I felt sorry for myself and blamed my wife for why I was so unfulfilled, once you convince yourself you're a victim of something, you can justify anything. That belief alone allowed me to have an affair with impunity, almost a right, to find happiness with another, after all,

      "I had done so much and got back so little from my marriage".

     Men have an uncanny and dangerous ability to compartmentalize their lives such that one part doesn't recognize the other. In this split, dissociative state, I rationalized everything including the creation of the two worlds I relished in calling it complexity. Without integrity life simply doesn't work.

    The purpose here is the expression of anger in the form of contempt and the ultimate form of criticism through the ultimate invalidation, sleeping with someone else. The message,

    "kiss my ass you worthless partner, you haven't been there for me in years so I'll do whatever the hell I want to meet my needs, if you find out so be it, you deserve it",

nasty stuff!

    These are coward affairs where the unfaithful partner is not willing to take responsibility for their dissatisfaction in the marriage by doing something proactive about it. Instead, they live on a precarious edge where they feel both emboldened and justified to engage in the affair ‘in hopes' that the infidelity will be found out and usher in the separation or divorce they fanatasize about, but are unwilling to assume accountability for.

    Driven by irrational rage in relationships with a history of stored up resentment and hostilities which lie dormant and underground, the purpose of the affair coalesces into a grand finale in the form of a pay-back affair where the intent is to injure and hurt the self esteem of the betrayed partner who is made wrong and killed off thus allowing the unfaithful to justify any action to ‘pay them back' for the hurt they believe they've been a victim of.

    The roles and responsibilities you create and design your lives around leave little to no space, time or energy for either of you to meet your deeper needs for closeness, connection, nurturing, attention or fun. You choke on tasks and are overwhelmed by responsibilities you feel alone and unappreciated for doing. You attend to each of your respective lanes with diligence and discipline giving you the experience of being responsible and ‘serving' the other. The problem is you live in a state of perpetual disconnect, while you are doing many of the right things you become roommates, not passionate lovers, and the thought of existing this way the rest of your days especially if you're over 40 scares the hell out of you making you a prime candidate for an affair!

     A common affair pattern is that women are more likely to have affairs for love and companionship, while men are more often content with sex alone confusing it with love and companionship. Women are likely to believe that their infidelity is justified if it's for love, men are likely to believe their infidelity is justified if it's NOT for love. In both cases, needs not met in the primary relationship that is neglected are being met through an emotional affair and eventually sexual almost always justified on the basis of 'we're just friends'. People have affairs to experience an emotional connection that they feel is lacking in their primary relationship. They stray in search of someone who pays attention to their feelings and encourages meaningful contact be it emotional or sexual citing a need for friendship as the culprit.

   The purpose of the affair is a misguided attempt to satisfy legitimate longings in very illegitimate ways undermining everything really important to both partners. Misdirected energy can be leveraged and focused in the direction of an anemic relationship in need of care, nurturance and being first for a change making survivability of a marriage after an affair quite possible in these situations.

      "Once a cheater always a cheater"

      is really a defense mechanism and it too has a purpose. To protect you from getting hurt by never trusting anyone again. Don't do that! Instead, get smart by understanding what drives someone to betray and determining the purpose of the affair.

Jay Kent-Ferraro, Ph.D., MBA

in Surprised by Love

Psychology Today