Discussion of Money
Though few couples adequately discuss it directly money is such an emotionally loaded topic, its been known to drive partners apart.
Money is so loaded a symbol that to unload it, and unloaded, it must be to live in a fully rational and balanced relationship to money, reaches deep into the human psyche.
Couples discuss many things before marriage, but the meaning of money is not one of them. Money is still a taboo topic.
Many people have a troubled relationship with money. Then, when they get into a couple relationship, money matters get explosive. Other people may have no problem with money individually, the trouble starts after they're in the relationship.
When men make money in the stock market, they credit their own cleverness. When they lose money, they blame the incompetence of their advisors or bad luck. When women make money in the market, they credit the cleverness of their advisors, good luck or even their lucky stars. When they lose money, they blame themselves.
Men are trained to believe that money equals power and that power is the path to respect. However, power and control are not compatible with intimacy. Relationships succeed only when both partners are willing to display their vulnerabilities to each other. It's important for men to know that failing to share power cheats them of the intimacy and love they want.
American culture makes a big mistake in pressuring married couples to merge all their money. It is in fact unwise for couples to merge money right away. Since couples don't talk about money before they marry, you don't know if you're tying yourself to an overspender in debt or a worrier who could drive you crazy.
Money issues are different from other problems in relationships. They're harder to talk about and harder to resolve because of our extensive cultural conditioning. The most important thing in couples communication is empathy, or putting yourself in your partner's place. It is almost always more important to be heard and understood than to have a partner agree with what you say.
Never try to negotiate about money before airing your feelings, otherwise, negotiations will always break down.
How do you turn your consciousness to an area that's usually in the dark? When a couple comes in fighting about money, I first have them clarify their own personal history and private relationship with money before turning to the dynamic between them.
I want people to see what money symbolizes to them. Then they can unload the symbol.
Psychology Today
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