Resilience
The self-esteem movement has done an entire generation a deep disservice. It started with the best intentions. Culture spoke,
"feelings of self-esteem were the key to success in life".
This resulted in competitions where everyone gets a trophy and no one actually wins. ‘New games’ attempted to engage children without any winners or losers.
The only problem is that these efforts simply do not work. Self-esteem is not something conferred, it is earned through taking risks and developing skills. When children stretch themselves, they expand their sense of their own capability and then feel confident to tackle the next challenge. Confidence comes form competence, we do not bestow it as a gift.
Relatedly, we also spend too much time protecting our children from any pain or adversity. We hate to see them struggle and we suffer when they suffer. But the same loving envelope that protects them from pain also protects them from growth.
Dr Wendy Mogel suggests that children insulated from unpleasant situations or challenges become less capable to deal with adversity. She notes that college deans are seeing a growth in incoming teacups, students so overprotected by their parents that there are effectively incapable of functioning in the new and parentless world of higher education. They encounter adversity and chip like a teacup.
Dr. Dan Kindlon writes parents often focus on making sure their children avoid pain and disappointment. As a result, they often fight their children's battles for them and insulate them from difficult experiences. In his private practice, he observes these children feel less capable and are more likely to struggle in relationships and with challenges. They also can feel guilty when they are not feeling happy.
By protecting our children, we do them a double disservice. First, we insulate them from experiences that can facilitate growth and resilience. Second, by actively protecting them, we send them the message that they are not capable of coping on their own.
As parents we should protect less and instead seek out experiences that will develop their resilience and optimism. Defined as the belief that an individual's actions can affect his or her circumstances and that difficult situations are temporary.
We must prepare our children for a world that is often unpredictable and even inhospitable. We must also provide them with a philosophical framework that enables them to understand that even if everything is not ideal, life is still worth embracing with joy and excitement.
Psychology Today
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