Longhaul Lust
Sex, and more importantly, intimacy, are grown-up skills, and most of us, metaphorically speaking, are still in junior high. We still cling to the idea of romance, when real intimacy requires something a lot more difficult. We push past our own limits to become a more fully developed human being.
Sex therapist David Schnarch says we've got it all backward.
"Sex is inherently based on intimacy. The problem is that most people have a very misguided idea of what intimacy means," he says. "There's this idea that your partner is going to make you feel good and validate you. It's our cultural template for true love."
The you-complete-me stuff works fine in the beginning. It's even fun. Like two people clinched together for a three-legged race, there is satisfaction in getting the groove of operating side-by-side with perfect fluidity. But when you try to keep those tethers on indefinitely, reality sets in. Two people aren't going to agree on every move. They'll get tired of always accommodating the other, by keeping quiet, by moving the same way, by propping the other one up.
Sooner or later, a lot of these three-legged marriages wind up in gridlock. Each partner is increasingly frustrated by the other's apparent unwillingness to get on the same page. Each becomes increasingly annoyed and worried about it. The conflict between real intimacy and wishful thinking rears its head, many of us notice the sex ain't what it used to be. But while we fear this is the beginning of the end, Schnarch says it's often when things finally start to go right. It means marriage is beginning the relentless process of doing what it's supposed to do, forcing us to figure out who we are as individuals.
Real intimacy is frightening. It requires a kind of openness, honesty and self-respect that most of us aren't used to. A truly intimate connection between adults is less volatile, because couples aren't ticked off about what their partner is or isn't doing to prop them up. It's more solid, because it's based on reality.
"Ultimately, you get through gridlock and get to a place of more honest self-disclosure, where the focus is on being known, rather than being validated," he says.
Best of all, the sex often becomes more relaxed, creative and connected. Literally and figuratively, no one's hiding in the dark anymore.
When couples do try to address their sexual problems, they often focus on mechanics, Viagra, lingerie, trying out new positions. But sex is a language, and its content is everything else happening in the marriage.
The reward for all of this hard work is a kind of intimacy that helps you be more of the person you want to be and supports an intense lifelong bond. In return you are seen, known and understood, truly, who you are. Loved and desired, to boot. It's a rare thing, perhaps the most powerful connection we can hope for.
Psychology Today
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