Cross Sex Friendships
Society has long singled out romance as the ultimate and eventual male-female relationship because it spawns babies and keeps the life cycle going.
Cross-sex friendship, as researchers call it, has been either ignored or trivialized. We have rules for how to act in romantic relationships, flirt, date, get married and have kids. Even same-sex friendships, boys relate by doing activities together, girls by talking and sharing. But there are so few platonic male-female friendships on display that we're at a loss to even define them.
Don O'Meara, Ph.D., published a study on the top problems in cross-sex friendship.
"I started my research because one of my best friends is a woman, She said, 'Do you think anyone else has the incredible friendship we do?'"
He decided to find out, and after reviewing the little existing research, O'Meara identified the following challenges to male-female friendship, defining it, dealing with sexual attraction, seeing each other as equals, facing people's responses to the relationship and the initial meeting in the first place.
Platonic love does exist. In a study of 20 pairs of friends confirmed that friendship attraction or a connection devoid of lust, is a bona fide type of bond.
Distinguishing between romantic, sexual and friendly feelings, however, can be difficult.
"People don't know what feelings are appropriate toward the opposite sex, unless they're what our culture defines as appropriate,"
said O'Meara.
"You know you love someone and enjoy them as a person, but not enough to date or marry them. What does this mean?"
The reality that sexual attraction could suddenly enter the equation of a cross-sex friendship uninvited is always lurking in the background, it remains unconscious. A simple, platonic hug could instantaneously take on a more amorous meaning.
"You're trying to do a friend-friend thing," said O'Meara, "but the male-female parts of you get in the way."
Unwelcome or not, the attraction is difficult to ignore.
In a study of dislikes about cross-sex friendships, topping women's list of dislikes, sexual tension.
Men, on the other hand, and, just like men, more frequently replied that sexual attraction was a prime reason for initiating a friendship. That it could even deepen a friendship. Either way, 62 percent of all subjects reported that sexual tension was evident in their cross-sex friendships.
Friendship should be a pairing of equals. But, O'Meara said,
"in a culture where men have always been more equal than women, male dominance, prestige and power is baggage that both men and women are likely to bring to a relationship."
Women are at risk of subconsciously adopting a more submissive role in cross-sex friendships, he said, although that is slowly changing as society begins to treat both genders more equally.
Society may not be entirely ready for friendships between men and women that have no sexual subtext. People with close friends of the opposite sex are often barraged with nudging, winking and skepticism,
"Are you really just friends?"
This is especially true, said O'Meara, of older adults, who grew up when men and women were generally, but strictly off-limits to each other until marriage.
As work and other social arenas become increasingly open to both sexes, they mingle more and more. Still, men and women continue to have surprisingly few opportunities to interact.
Since puberty boys and girls tend to congregate. At cocktail parties men go off to one corner, women to another.
These obstacles may seem numerous and formidable, but cross sex friendship is becoming not only a possibility, but also a necessity. If men and women are to work, play and coexist in modern society, researchers believe they must learn to understand and communicate with each other. The field of research is still in its infancy, but they are now beginning to understand some basic truths about cross sex friendship.
As people develop serious romantic relationships or get married, making and maintaining cross-sex friendships becomes harder.
"Even the most secure people in a strong marriage probably don't want a spouse to be establishing a new friendship, with the proverbial ‘stranger’, especially with someone who's very attractive."
The number of cross-sex friendships declines with age. Not surprising, because most older adults grew up in an age where consorting with the opposite sex outside of wedlock was taboo.
There are apparent and proven distinct differences between female friendship and male friendship. Women spend the majority of their time together discussing their thoughts and feelings, while men tend to be more group-oriented. Males gather to play sports or travel or talk politics, rarely do they share feelings or personal reflections. This may explain why men seem to get more out of cross-sex friendships.
In another study, men rated cross-sex friendships as being much higher in overall quality, enjoyment and nurturance than their same-sex friendships. They reported liking the most was talking and relating to women, something they can't do with their buddies. Meanwhile, women rated their same-sex friendships higher on all these counts.
"Not only do women confide in women, men do, too.”
Women expect more emotional rewards from friendship than men do, so they're easily disappointed when they don't receive them.
All that sharing and discussing in female-female friendship can become exhausting, as any woman who's stayed up all night comforting a brokenhearted girlfriend can attest.
With men, women can joke and banter without any emotional baggage.
"Friendships with men are lighter, more fun. Men aren't so sensitive about things."
Some women in her study also liked the protective, familial and casual warmth they got from men, viewing them as surrogate big brothers. What they liked most of all, however, was getting some insight into what guys really think.
Study has shown something important for cross sex friendships, talking one-on-one. Other activities like dining out and going for a drive make that communication easier. In fact, close male-female friends are extremely emotionally supportive if they continuously examine their feelings, opinions and ideas.
"Males appreciate this because it tends not to be a part of their same-sex friendships, females appreciate garnering the male perspective."
In reality, sex isn't always on the agenda. That could be due to sexual orientation, lack of physical attraction or involvement in another romantic relationship. And after years of considering someone as a friend, it often becomes difficult to see a cross-sex pal as a romantic possibility.
Of pairs that do face the question of lust, those who’ve decided, early on, to bypass an uncertain romantic relationship are more likely to have an enduring friendship. One study showed 67 percent of college students reported having had sex with a friend. Interestingly, 56 percent of those subjects did not transition the friendship into a romantic relationship, suggesting that they preferred friendship over sex.
Men and women have increasingly similar rights, opportunities and interests, which can make cross-sex friendship very sensitive. It can upset the agreed-upon social order.
"Women and men engage in an equal relationship, or they aren't friends."
Men and women are also becoming more unisexual as their societal roles become more similar. A dissertation showed that women and men categorized as androgynous had twice the number of cross-sex friends.
Both genders have to openly and honestly negotiate exactly what their relationship will mean, whether sexual attraction is a factor and how they'll deal with it, to establish boundaries.
In another study, the friendships that survived, even thrived after sex or attraction came into play were those in which the friends extensively discussed the meaning of the sexual activity and felt confident and positive about each other's feelings. Once they got past that, they were home free.
Psychology Today
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