Friend Zone
For those who don't know the term, the friend zone refers to a situation where someone individual in a friendship develops more intense feelings and wants to become more than friends with the other person. More often than not, the other person is unaware of the friend's desires and quite happy in the friendship only arrangement. As a result, the person is stuck in the friend zone, unable to transition from just friend to girlfriend or boyfriend.
Being stuck in a friendship and wanting more can be a frustrating position. Sometimes this frustration is sexually motivated, with one friend desiring a physical relationship with the other. On other occasions, the friends are already sexually involved, ‘friends with benefits’, but there is a motivation to transition into a relationship as a committed girlfriend or boyfriend. In other instances, both motivations play a role. Nevertheless, in any case, wanting more than you are currently getting is a heart-wrenching situation. The friend zone is not an easy place to live!
We need to discuss why people get stuck in the friend zone in the first place. Essentially, all relationships are social exchanges. This means that people set up give and take agreements, usually without discussion, to get what they want from the other person and give what they are willing to give.
When someone gets stuck in the friend zone, they have entered into an exchange friendship that isn't even, yet. The other person is getting everything they want...but the person stuck in the friend zone isn't. In a nutshell, the friend zone person sold themselves short. They gave their friend everything, without making sure they got everything they wanted in return.
To escape the friend zone, you must first realize that all relationships involve negotiation. You are attempting to re-negotiate the current exchange. Essentially, you want more from the other person. Most likely, you are already giving too much and what you really want is for them to balance the scales.
Be less interested. The relationship is already imbalanced because you value it more than the other person. Take a step back. Being needy is no way to negotiate. Desperate people end up with what others give them, not what they want. Introducing the least interested principle, be less interested and ready to walk away if you don't get the relationship you want. Those who are more willing to walk away have the power to guide the relationship.
Now, the scarcity principle, spend some time away from your friend and do less for them. If they truly appreciate you, then your absence will make them miss you and want you more. People value something more when it is rare or taken away from them. When you are no longer around as much or tending to their needs, they will most likely feel the loss. This will increase their desire for you and their willingness to meet your needs back. If it doesn't, then they are just not that into you..and don't value you. In that case, find another friend.
Go out and make some other friends of the sex you are attracted to. Broaden your social network. Then, talk about these new friends with the friend you desire. Competition and a little jealousy are another great way to develop scarcity. People value more what they think they might lose. If you are busy with other people, you might just find your friend a bit more eager and motivated for your time and attention. If you don't see any jealousy though, then they might not want to be more than friends. In that case, set your sights on someone new!
Ask your friend to do things for you. Contrary to popular belief, people like you more when THEY do favors for you, rather than when you do the favor for them. This called the Ben Franklin Effect. The more they invest in the relationship, the more you will mean to them. So, stop doing favors...and start asking for them. Get them to give you a ride, study with you, fix something. Heck, even asking them to grab you a beer from the fridge has an impact!
Don't forget to be grateful and reward your friend when they behave as you desire. After they are good to you, remember to be good to them back. Being attentive and affectionate, only when they do what you like, encourages them to continue those behaviors. Also, ignoring them when they behave badly helps to reduce unwanted behaviors.
It is possible to dig out of an uneven, friend zone exchange, with a little persuasion and influence. Go for what you want in a relationship and don't settle for less. Just remember to focus on your own worth, don't be desperate, and be willing to walk away. Allow some space for the other person to miss you. Make some friends outside of that friendship and create a little competition too. Finally, let that friend invest in you and reward them for it. If they truly value you in their life, then they will be much more likely to take the relationship to the next level. If they don't, you already have some new friends, your self-respect, and one foot out the door.
Psychology Today
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